Over time, I've come to think of myself as rather deep. I like to delve into the workings of the human mind and fancy myself an amateur philosopher. While this can sometimes is a strength - I try to see things from other's perspectives and not my limited own experience, this introspective philosopher characteristic can also be a weakness. While it's great to explore the world of feelings, emotions, perspective; it's also important to live in the world and talk to others. When you only talk to yourself, you can imagine different ways of thinking, but when you actually talk to others you realize or come to more fully understand those ways of thinking. Lately I have withdrawing more and more into myself, but I have found I've become a little self absorbed in doing so. Yes I am rifling through my internal filing cabinet about the things I like, don't like, but what about others. I'm not quite making connections, even with my family I am outwardly doing things with them but the connection is not there. I find it hard to open up to others but am coming to realize the importance balance of this as well.
So today I am going to listen more fully and get others views on the world instead of retreating into my own mind.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
I found my laugh.
I found my laugh. The last few weeks have been kind of crazy and a little stressful to say the least. I have felt a sense of unease/unrest/anxiety. With this unease I have slipped into a rote, to do least kind of attitude. Play with my kids - check, say my prayers - check etc... Last night for halloween my family came over, as we were playing games I started laughing - the stress melted away and I feel like I am now ready to give myself back to the world, not just with to do list behaviors but open heartfelt ways.
So why all the stress anyway?
Well about a month ago I had the strangest weekend. All weekend I felt like something big was coming. Nothing bad, but I had this sense that my family's life was going to change. I went to work on the following monday and was telling my MA's about the feeling, and we were kind of guessing what it could be. I knew it wasn't necessarily something bad, but felt like something big.
Later in the week my husband and I went to the Ogden Temple. It had been rededicated and we were super excited to go - as we were sitting in the temple I had the feeling that we were supposed to move. - Now let me tell you, we have contemplated this before - looked at houses, looked at areas and yet it never felt right - so we went forward with an addition to our home. We spent a lot of time, energy, and no small amount of money on our custom addition and I love it. So back to the story. I felt like we needed to move. I shrugged the thought off - but as I was talking to my husband on the way home, he had the same feeling. I called a realtor to see about putting our home on the market and then started looking at homes in the surrounding communities. The feeling - turned to action still felt right. As we were looking at places to live and toying with the idea of the move, my father mentioned there was a job opening in Heber city.
I've always wanted to live in a smaller town and I mostly flippantly told Stuart later that night - hey if we're going to move maybe we can move to a whole new area. Outlandish for a pediatrician - as that would mean starting all over, getting to know patients and establishing a new business. As we went throughout the week, the thought wouldn't leave my mind - maybe move somewhere else. As I was driving to work, the sun just peeking over the mountain and illuminating the valley below, my thoughts seemed to no longer be my own. I had a strong impression that we needed to move back east. The feeling/thoughts were so strong that I called my husband the minute I got to my office. I told him about the thoughts/feelings. As I spoke, the impressions were confirmed in my mind - I knew it was time for us to move, and not to move somewhere close. I told my husband - "I think we're supposed to move, and I think we're supposed to move to vermont." As the words left my mouth the spirit in my office was tangible, my heart was at such peace and I knew we were being led. I asked my husband to pray about it that day and we would talk about it that night.
As we talked in the evening he related his experience throughout the day and confirmed the same impressions I had. As I started looking for jobs in the new england area, the peace started to drift and the terror set in. How could I pick up my family and move to an area I'd never really been. I love my job, my partners, my patients, why would I leave such a good thing. Each time I had a "freak out" morning I would get back on my knees and ask my heavenly father what was the most important thing for me to do that day and I would do it. Again the feeling of peace slowly faded and I started to doubt that I had ever received such a crazy thought - thus the numbing to do list set in within the last couple of weeks.
As I was lying in bed this morning; after I found my laugh last night, I realized I needed to write my experience down; one, to share with others; but mostly to remind myself of the peace and the love I felt that first day I knew we were supposed to begin a new adventure. I know as I re read this words, I can return to the peace and love of that moment. These words will act as a light in the dark as we move forward not fully comprehending the reasons we are being led to another area, but trusting in the hand of God to move us forward and bring us greater understanding along this journey.
So for this moment at least, I am at peace with myself and the world around me, we will move forward one step at a time. I will continue to laugh and put away my to do list mentality and fully immerse myself in each moment of the day.
Surely this feeling will pass, but I know that now it is written down, I can return to these feelings again for reassurance as we move into the future - unclear as it may be
Thanks again for listening and allowing me to put my thoughts out into the world, wherever they may go through cyberspace
So why all the stress anyway?
Well about a month ago I had the strangest weekend. All weekend I felt like something big was coming. Nothing bad, but I had this sense that my family's life was going to change. I went to work on the following monday and was telling my MA's about the feeling, and we were kind of guessing what it could be. I knew it wasn't necessarily something bad, but felt like something big.
Later in the week my husband and I went to the Ogden Temple. It had been rededicated and we were super excited to go - as we were sitting in the temple I had the feeling that we were supposed to move. - Now let me tell you, we have contemplated this before - looked at houses, looked at areas and yet it never felt right - so we went forward with an addition to our home. We spent a lot of time, energy, and no small amount of money on our custom addition and I love it. So back to the story. I felt like we needed to move. I shrugged the thought off - but as I was talking to my husband on the way home, he had the same feeling. I called a realtor to see about putting our home on the market and then started looking at homes in the surrounding communities. The feeling - turned to action still felt right. As we were looking at places to live and toying with the idea of the move, my father mentioned there was a job opening in Heber city.
I've always wanted to live in a smaller town and I mostly flippantly told Stuart later that night - hey if we're going to move maybe we can move to a whole new area. Outlandish for a pediatrician - as that would mean starting all over, getting to know patients and establishing a new business. As we went throughout the week, the thought wouldn't leave my mind - maybe move somewhere else. As I was driving to work, the sun just peeking over the mountain and illuminating the valley below, my thoughts seemed to no longer be my own. I had a strong impression that we needed to move back east. The feeling/thoughts were so strong that I called my husband the minute I got to my office. I told him about the thoughts/feelings. As I spoke, the impressions were confirmed in my mind - I knew it was time for us to move, and not to move somewhere close. I told my husband - "I think we're supposed to move, and I think we're supposed to move to vermont." As the words left my mouth the spirit in my office was tangible, my heart was at such peace and I knew we were being led. I asked my husband to pray about it that day and we would talk about it that night.
As we talked in the evening he related his experience throughout the day and confirmed the same impressions I had. As I started looking for jobs in the new england area, the peace started to drift and the terror set in. How could I pick up my family and move to an area I'd never really been. I love my job, my partners, my patients, why would I leave such a good thing. Each time I had a "freak out" morning I would get back on my knees and ask my heavenly father what was the most important thing for me to do that day and I would do it. Again the feeling of peace slowly faded and I started to doubt that I had ever received such a crazy thought - thus the numbing to do list set in within the last couple of weeks.
As I was lying in bed this morning; after I found my laugh last night, I realized I needed to write my experience down; one, to share with others; but mostly to remind myself of the peace and the love I felt that first day I knew we were supposed to begin a new adventure. I know as I re read this words, I can return to the peace and love of that moment. These words will act as a light in the dark as we move forward not fully comprehending the reasons we are being led to another area, but trusting in the hand of God to move us forward and bring us greater understanding along this journey.
So for this moment at least, I am at peace with myself and the world around me, we will move forward one step at a time. I will continue to laugh and put away my to do list mentality and fully immerse myself in each moment of the day.
Surely this feeling will pass, but I know that now it is written down, I can return to these feelings again for reassurance as we move into the future - unclear as it may be
Thanks again for listening and allowing me to put my thoughts out into the world, wherever they may go through cyberspace
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Putting on my big girl panties
I've heard and used this line a few times and this weekend had to put 'em on and pull 'em up. When do you have to do this? How many people like confrontation? Personally I don't, but sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in and try to do it without causing offense.
This weekend I got into a conversation that I certainly didn't mean to turn heated but it did. I stood my ground, but in so doing made some of the other people in the meeting uncomfortable. As hard as it was to speak my mind and work through the issue, it was even harder to approach the person after the meeting to "unseat" the issue. I could have let someone else try to smooth it over; but this was my issue and so I dealt with it.
Sometimes we don't feel like doing something and we need to anyway and we get up and get going, for me - my big girl panties are when I have to deal with others following a debate or confrontation and muddle through. A time when I could let someone else deal with a mess for me but don't.
When have you put on your big girl panties?
Sunday, June 15, 2014
The power of choice
We had such a good discussion today. We were talking about being true to ourselves. Whether we are acted upon are we choose to act. With my own children I will often hear the: well he… then follows the excuse as to why they hit, yelled at etc.. their brother or sister. There are so many choices in a day - some that seem very minute and unimportant, others that are large, but even the choices that seem small effect us or others. One of the many small choices we seemingly make every day is how we react to others and the things we choose to think about.
My daughter once had an assignment to write down the things she thought about at the end of the day. As we talked about it and went over the assignment, we discussed that we choose to think about/dwell on certain things. We don't always choose what happens to us throughout the day but we choose which things we think about. We can choose to think about all the bad stuff that might have happened to us or we can think about all the good stuff that happened to us. Same goes for the choices and other events of the day - we can focus on "happy thoughts"
This was an interesting concept for me that we choose our memories to some extent. We can remember things positively or negatively. This I think is what happens with the "snowball effect." I often have one thing go bad in the day, then another and another and before I know it my attitude is directed negatively towards many different things and even things that aren't "bad" become viewed so. So if we can "choose" our viewpoint then we can choose to focus on the positive things and hopefully that will snowball - leading all things to be looked at in a positive viewpoint. As we focus on the positive we are able to enjoy some things more and limit our response to others.
It's not easy to choose our response or keep our memories flooded with good, but when we do it once, we can do it again and again. In the past I would often think about what I could do better - even vacations I would think about what went wrong etc… but since this conversation I have been thinking about what went right - and I have found a lot more that's gone right since trying to focus on it.
So choose your dwelling points, which will help choose a response and you'll be able to choose to be more happy overall.
My daughter once had an assignment to write down the things she thought about at the end of the day. As we talked about it and went over the assignment, we discussed that we choose to think about/dwell on certain things. We don't always choose what happens to us throughout the day but we choose which things we think about. We can choose to think about all the bad stuff that might have happened to us or we can think about all the good stuff that happened to us. Same goes for the choices and other events of the day - we can focus on "happy thoughts"
This was an interesting concept for me that we choose our memories to some extent. We can remember things positively or negatively. This I think is what happens with the "snowball effect." I often have one thing go bad in the day, then another and another and before I know it my attitude is directed negatively towards many different things and even things that aren't "bad" become viewed so. So if we can "choose" our viewpoint then we can choose to focus on the positive things and hopefully that will snowball - leading all things to be looked at in a positive viewpoint. As we focus on the positive we are able to enjoy some things more and limit our response to others.
It's not easy to choose our response or keep our memories flooded with good, but when we do it once, we can do it again and again. In the past I would often think about what I could do better - even vacations I would think about what went wrong etc… but since this conversation I have been thinking about what went right - and I have found a lot more that's gone right since trying to focus on it.
So choose your dwelling points, which will help choose a response and you'll be able to choose to be more happy overall.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
what a lovely day
It's summer, I just did hot yoga in the sunny backyard, I feel refreshed and open to the world. This in contrast to being overwhelmed with so much to do last week. I came to the conclusion - I will always have one more thing to do that just can't be done. So I took a deep breath, pulled up my big girl panties and got to work doing what I could do. I'm awfully tired at night but I feel like I'm being the best me.
So a lovely day - I've decided isn't so much about the day but what I chose to think of it. When faced with something irritated I laughed, when something could have brought me to tears I smiled. I tried to be a little kinder, think the best of others and do a little better again today.
WHAT A LOVELY DAY!!
So a lovely day - I've decided isn't so much about the day but what I chose to think of it. When faced with something irritated I laughed, when something could have brought me to tears I smiled. I tried to be a little kinder, think the best of others and do a little better again today.
WHAT A LOVELY DAY!!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
character
One of the physicians in our practice is retiring and going on a mission to Florida. He's had a couple of retirement parties, and spoke in church this Sunday as a farewell. As I've listened to him talk and the tribute others have given him it makes me think about what others would say about me. I don't so much base my life about what others think, but I wonder what words would explain my character. If I had only a few words to describe myself, what would they be. Would they be the words I want them to be. What is the measure of a man? or Woman? I don't so much want to compare myself to others but there are great men and women we know, our ancestors etc that are good examples to follow.
I think I would like to be:
hardworking, playful, compassionate, understanding
It's amazing all the actions that would come from those four simple words. I think I will take one word each day - a character word and try to behave in that manner.
What words would you want used to describe your character?
I think I would like to be:
hardworking, playful, compassionate, understanding
It's amazing all the actions that would come from those four simple words. I think I will take one word each day - a character word and try to behave in that manner.
What words would you want used to describe your character?
Sunday, May 18, 2014
The power of choice
Okay so I know I talk a lot about the days when something is just off - I'm grouchy, irritable etc. So I am planning on blogging something positive this week, but for now… I don't know why I've just been restless - like something is going to change, or something is going to happen (as yet it has not) so as nothing has happened or changed I've just sort of been thinking about life and how it affects each one of us so differently.
Often in life we go through in a reactive state. I love yoga and one of my favorite instructors makes a statement as I'm trying to maintain a pose about feeling uncomfortable and not reacting to it. "You can be uncomfortable, but you don't have to be reactive to it - immerse yourself in what your body is feeling, feel the ebb and flow." As I take a deep breath I sink a little deeper and maintain. I would like to better follow that advise throughout multiple aspects of my life.
We all have good times and bad times, often we don't get to choose how others treat us, what circumstances may surprise us in life, but we do get to choose are reaction - that is not to say we choose how we feel but we choose how to act on that feeling. I have often wondered how to not get mad, not feel irritated, but as I have not yet mastered that I have learned that I can feel those uncomfortable feelings but not be reactive - I can process through and decide how to act. As I was giving my kids turns tonight I thought about the ability to choose how we see a situation or the world at large. We had a bit of a tough morning with the kids, but instead of talking about any of that I brought up the 3 things I loved most about the day - this in turn made my son mention what he liked about the day.
It is not always easy but when we take a step back from ourselves and give a situation time we can then see it in the best positive light (or at least the best we can consider)
Take some time this week to stop yourself and really analyze your thoughts - are you finding the good or bad, are you processing or just reacting
Often in life we go through in a reactive state. I love yoga and one of my favorite instructors makes a statement as I'm trying to maintain a pose about feeling uncomfortable and not reacting to it. "You can be uncomfortable, but you don't have to be reactive to it - immerse yourself in what your body is feeling, feel the ebb and flow." As I take a deep breath I sink a little deeper and maintain. I would like to better follow that advise throughout multiple aspects of my life.
We all have good times and bad times, often we don't get to choose how others treat us, what circumstances may surprise us in life, but we do get to choose are reaction - that is not to say we choose how we feel but we choose how to act on that feeling. I have often wondered how to not get mad, not feel irritated, but as I have not yet mastered that I have learned that I can feel those uncomfortable feelings but not be reactive - I can process through and decide how to act. As I was giving my kids turns tonight I thought about the ability to choose how we see a situation or the world at large. We had a bit of a tough morning with the kids, but instead of talking about any of that I brought up the 3 things I loved most about the day - this in turn made my son mention what he liked about the day.
It is not always easy but when we take a step back from ourselves and give a situation time we can then see it in the best positive light (or at least the best we can consider)
Take some time this week to stop yourself and really analyze your thoughts - are you finding the good or bad, are you processing or just reacting
Friday, May 16, 2014
Happy words
As my kids are getting to the teenage years they seem to respond in anger a lot. I have tried to determine what is before the anger - what is the primary emotion as anger is a secondary emotion. When we can appropriately label our feelings we are better able to find the problem leading to that emotion and then solve the problem.
I have had a very bad week - got hit in the parking lot - dinging my car, mistake at the hospital that was frustrating (but not dangerous) overly tired, worn thin, my husband took on a small part time job - just enough to throw more kid responsibilities on me and I was disillusioned by something that wasn't what i thought. Overall quite a few things to upset and yet I don't want to be upset. Whatever the primary problem and emotion I just want to be happy and at peace.
I spent a large part of my day in scripture study and prayer and have determined that instead of devining what the primary negative emotion is, I want to think of as many positive emotions as I can and then choose to feel one - thus choosing my action/feeling instead of just reacting to things around me. I know I could look up a list of these emotions but thinking of them on my own seems like it would help internalize them more
So: happy, excited, calm, joyful, hopeful, peaceful, grateful, giddy, fun loving
okay so my list isn't long - how big is yours?
I'm going to spend the rest of the day excited - I'm excited to be home from work, I'm excited to spend time with my kids, I'm excited to read a book, I'm excited to sit out in the warm weather, I'm excited for change, I'm excited to follow the promptings of the spirit, I'm excited to move forward. I'm excited to be me.
As my kids are getting to the teenage years they seem to respond in anger a lot. I have tried to determine what is before the anger - what is the primary emotion as anger is a secondary emotion. When we can appropriately label our feelings we are better able to find the problem leading to that emotion and then solve the problem.
I have had a very bad week - got hit in the parking lot - dinging my car, mistake at the hospital that was frustrating (but not dangerous) overly tired, worn thin, my husband took on a small part time job - just enough to throw more kid responsibilities on me and I was disillusioned by something that wasn't what i thought. Overall quite a few things to upset and yet I don't want to be upset. Whatever the primary problem and emotion I just want to be happy and at peace.
I spent a large part of my day in scripture study and prayer and have determined that instead of devining what the primary negative emotion is, I want to think of as many positive emotions as I can and then choose to feel one - thus choosing my action/feeling instead of just reacting to things around me. I know I could look up a list of these emotions but thinking of them on my own seems like it would help internalize them more
So: happy, excited, calm, joyful, hopeful, peaceful, grateful, giddy, fun loving
I'm going to spend the rest of the day excited - I'm excited to be home from work, I'm excited to spend time with my kids, I'm excited to read a book, I'm excited to sit out in the warm weather, I'm excited for change, I'm excited to follow the promptings of the spirit, I'm excited to move forward. I'm excited to be me.
Monday, May 5, 2014
who am I
So I've decided to try to post every wed and sunday but yesterday I was sick so I'm a day late today but will post anyhow.
So I hope I'm not the only one, but I vacillate between: I can do it feelings and being overwhelmed. One day I am ready to tackle any challenge that comes my way and the next I am overwhelmed by the most minute details. So I was in a slump last week, didn't feel like going to work, didn't feel like dealing with my kids and was kind of down, then of course I felt bad about feeling bad after all I have a wonderful life (pretty sure I've run along this thread before). So I've been counting my blessing that seemed to help for a bit but I needed a kick start. I started thinking about why I even do the things I do. My mind wondered along a path of maybe I shouldn't try so hard, maybe I have too much on my plate - Work, kids, celestial salvation, youth conference, gospel doctrine teacher - is it all worth it, sometimes I just want to sit down and read a good book without wondering if I'm good enough.
As I was thinking about my personal worth I started thinking about friends or people I know and giving them positive labels - I have one friend that is sooooo happy and upbeat, one that cares so much for others and I thought I wonder what other people think about me - what positive labels or other labels would they give me (not that they are judging) but really who am I; what is my character. I wondered what someone would do if I acted out of character. What would my sisters think/do if I showed up with a beautiful tattoo of fairy wings between my shoulder blades. Would they be like sweet she's joining the group or would they wonder why I was changing my standards. Just for shock factor I started daydreaming about a tattoo: why not really - after all isn't it kind of a display about your personality. I was questioning myself on why I follow the beliefs I do and just wondering who am I really. My thoughts continued only became more chaotic and jumbled as I was driving.
As I was questioning all this in my head I was driving to my yoga class (awesome in Ogden at the front if anyone wants to come with me) and while going over 24th street in Ogden, the Ogden temple arose in my view - coming across the viaduct it seemed to rise out of the city and I was overwhelmed with such a feeling of peace and worth I can't fully explain in words, but suddenly all the chaotic thoughts stopped and I knew who I was: a daughter of God who has trust in me that I will indeed find my path in life that I was looking at too many minute details and getting overwhelmed when all that really mattered was my heavenly father's love for me.
I am a woman of many aspects
a woman of faith, a woman of worries, a healer, a listener, a gardener, a pediatrician, a mother, a nurturer, an explorer, a friend.
Some of who I am can not be put in words but I am me: unique and changing as I grow in this life.
I'm back on course for this day at least and will forever treasure the tender mercy one day driving to a regular activity
WHO ARE YOU?
So I hope I'm not the only one, but I vacillate between: I can do it feelings and being overwhelmed. One day I am ready to tackle any challenge that comes my way and the next I am overwhelmed by the most minute details. So I was in a slump last week, didn't feel like going to work, didn't feel like dealing with my kids and was kind of down, then of course I felt bad about feeling bad after all I have a wonderful life (pretty sure I've run along this thread before). So I've been counting my blessing that seemed to help for a bit but I needed a kick start. I started thinking about why I even do the things I do. My mind wondered along a path of maybe I shouldn't try so hard, maybe I have too much on my plate - Work, kids, celestial salvation, youth conference, gospel doctrine teacher - is it all worth it, sometimes I just want to sit down and read a good book without wondering if I'm good enough.
As I was thinking about my personal worth I started thinking about friends or people I know and giving them positive labels - I have one friend that is sooooo happy and upbeat, one that cares so much for others and I thought I wonder what other people think about me - what positive labels or other labels would they give me (not that they are judging) but really who am I; what is my character. I wondered what someone would do if I acted out of character. What would my sisters think/do if I showed up with a beautiful tattoo of fairy wings between my shoulder blades. Would they be like sweet she's joining the group or would they wonder why I was changing my standards. Just for shock factor I started daydreaming about a tattoo: why not really - after all isn't it kind of a display about your personality. I was questioning myself on why I follow the beliefs I do and just wondering who am I really. My thoughts continued only became more chaotic and jumbled as I was driving.
As I was questioning all this in my head I was driving to my yoga class (awesome in Ogden at the front if anyone wants to come with me) and while going over 24th street in Ogden, the Ogden temple arose in my view - coming across the viaduct it seemed to rise out of the city and I was overwhelmed with such a feeling of peace and worth I can't fully explain in words, but suddenly all the chaotic thoughts stopped and I knew who I was: a daughter of God who has trust in me that I will indeed find my path in life that I was looking at too many minute details and getting overwhelmed when all that really mattered was my heavenly father's love for me.
I am a woman of many aspects
a woman of faith, a woman of worries, a healer, a listener, a gardener, a pediatrician, a mother, a nurturer, an explorer, a friend.
Some of who I am can not be put in words but I am me: unique and changing as I grow in this life.
I'm back on course for this day at least and will forever treasure the tender mercy one day driving to a regular activity
WHO ARE YOU?
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Teenage excitement
As I was driving my 12 year old to one of his activities I thought - what an exciting time this is. I remember the feeling or sense that I could do anything, become anyone - then slowly adulthood settles in and you realize, no I actually can't - you fail at one thing or another, self doubt and other negative attitudes settle in and before you know it you look back on the teenage years as something you had to endure or get through. (Okay so maybe that's just me). So I started to have a little bit of a mind change as I was looking forward to all the excitement and learning for my son. I started to think back on all the fun times, all the things I learned. I got out some of my old keepsakes and looked at things I did as a teen and remembered the good instead of the bad and I started to feel a weight left. I felt like I had carried around baggage - a person that I really no longer am, the regrets instead of the excitement.
We have 3 times in life we get to be so emotionally charged that years later a song sparks a memory of a first kiss a first date - a first anything. We feel that way when we are teens - but then as above we make all the mistakes, feel the heartache and failure of the first rejection from a boy, the first break up. We then get to live vicariously through our own kids - but in so doing I have been somewhat liberated as I have somehow shed my teenage skin and moved past the things I once was.
Why haven't I done that by now you might ask - well I'm not sure - I guess those songs of emotionally charge energy come up often enough - maybe I am just learning to realize that a mistake is a simple oops lets try again. I think some of us have the ability to move on so fast that we brush ourselves off, others of us fall down and have to wallow awhile. Some of us see all of our small day to day things as a triumph while others see all the oopses and live with regret. I am thirty something and just starting to live or see more of the triumphs and less of the oopses (still a perfectionist at heart though I will always try to do better, but I think I'm learning there's joy along the way.)
So as I vicariously live though my son I won't deny him his firsts and maybe he'll see things different from me and allow me a greater insight to life.
Someday I hope to watch and live a little through my grandchildren - all the excitement of what could be or is yet to be. I'm excited for tomorrow but will be more liberated and free today.
We have 3 times in life we get to be so emotionally charged that years later a song sparks a memory of a first kiss a first date - a first anything. We feel that way when we are teens - but then as above we make all the mistakes, feel the heartache and failure of the first rejection from a boy, the first break up. We then get to live vicariously through our own kids - but in so doing I have been somewhat liberated as I have somehow shed my teenage skin and moved past the things I once was.
Why haven't I done that by now you might ask - well I'm not sure - I guess those songs of emotionally charge energy come up often enough - maybe I am just learning to realize that a mistake is a simple oops lets try again. I think some of us have the ability to move on so fast that we brush ourselves off, others of us fall down and have to wallow awhile. Some of us see all of our small day to day things as a triumph while others see all the oopses and live with regret. I am thirty something and just starting to live or see more of the triumphs and less of the oopses (still a perfectionist at heart though I will always try to do better, but I think I'm learning there's joy along the way.)
So as I vicariously live though my son I won't deny him his firsts and maybe he'll see things different from me and allow me a greater insight to life.
Someday I hope to watch and live a little through my grandchildren - all the excitement of what could be or is yet to be. I'm excited for tomorrow but will be more liberated and free today.
Monday, April 21, 2014
attitude of gratitude
I had a most wonderful time thanking my MA's. I think I embarrassed them a little but I really am quite thankful for them.
I am thankful for my children. At times I find myself worn out or fed up with their arguing or the fact I have to keep on them to get something done, but when I really stop and think about it - most of the time I am annoyed I am in a hurry or being selfish and it's not so much their actions as my attitude. I have such wonderful children. They try at home and at school, they really don't fight that often, they work together, are responsible. i need to catch them being good instead of catching them being bad. I will focus on their good behavior and say thank you for all they do.
I am thankful for my children. At times I find myself worn out or fed up with their arguing or the fact I have to keep on them to get something done, but when I really stop and think about it - most of the time I am annoyed I am in a hurry or being selfish and it's not so much their actions as my attitude. I have such wonderful children. They try at home and at school, they really don't fight that often, they work together, are responsible. i need to catch them being good instead of catching them being bad. I will focus on their good behavior and say thank you for all they do.
The past, the present and the future
I was teaching a lesson yesterday about the ancient Israelites - they had trouble moving forward as they continued to look back to Egypt instead of looking toward the promised land. Part of the discussion was on looking towards the future - having dreams or goals and looking towards them - which I thought interesting as I have also heard and recently posted about living in the now. I have also heard many statements about remembering the past and learning from it. So which is best to live in, the past, the present or the future. Of course the answer is easy right - all 3 a balance of all 3. I started thinking about each one and thought I would discuss it a little
The past: how can living in the past be harmful. When we wish for things the way they used to be we may miss out on opportunities now, or not see the blessings that we have. If we think about or regret choices we have made we may be riddled with guilt and unable to move forward. A healthy dose of forgiveness is important to have towards others as well as toward ourselves.
How can remembering the past be beneficial. If we do not learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it. We should learn from the choices others have made, from the small to the large - from wars, from our ancestors, but learn from them to move forward. So if we are looking at the past to improve the present and future I think that would be healthy - otherwise we should focus on moving forward.
The present: What if we only live in the present. Well obviously that would lead to some selfishness as we would live for the moment and the fun of what is currently ongoing. Also as this is limited site we probably wouldn't always make the best choices, but if we are stuck in regrets or so busy looking for the next good thing/the next project to complete, we may miss out on the joys coming from the moment. So when we are making choices we should take into account the past choices we have made, how our current choice fits into our overall pathway of life and effect the future, but once we have made a choice we should fully enjoy ourselves or fully live in the moment so as not to miss something by only looking forward to the next moment or thinking about the past.
I often miss what is going on at the moment by thinking about something I may need to do the next day or looking forward to something but when the time comes not immersing myself int he moment. I also sometimes "assume" that each event will be similar to one in the past - I can ruin a good vacation, thinking well last time something bad happened so it might again. This also assumes a negative purpose towards others actions if we see them as if the person has already injured us, when they haven't done anything yet.
The future: While we should plan for the future if we are always waiting for the next activity/project etc. we will not enjoy the one we are currently on. If we fail to plan or make goal we will end up somewhere on the road to life, but most likely in a completely different location than the one we wish to have been.
In what ways do you find a balance in the past/present/future? or In what ways have you found yourself caught up in one that has effected you positively or negatively?
The past: how can living in the past be harmful. When we wish for things the way they used to be we may miss out on opportunities now, or not see the blessings that we have. If we think about or regret choices we have made we may be riddled with guilt and unable to move forward. A healthy dose of forgiveness is important to have towards others as well as toward ourselves.
How can remembering the past be beneficial. If we do not learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it. We should learn from the choices others have made, from the small to the large - from wars, from our ancestors, but learn from them to move forward. So if we are looking at the past to improve the present and future I think that would be healthy - otherwise we should focus on moving forward.
The present: What if we only live in the present. Well obviously that would lead to some selfishness as we would live for the moment and the fun of what is currently ongoing. Also as this is limited site we probably wouldn't always make the best choices, but if we are stuck in regrets or so busy looking for the next good thing/the next project to complete, we may miss out on the joys coming from the moment. So when we are making choices we should take into account the past choices we have made, how our current choice fits into our overall pathway of life and effect the future, but once we have made a choice we should fully enjoy ourselves or fully live in the moment so as not to miss something by only looking forward to the next moment or thinking about the past.
I often miss what is going on at the moment by thinking about something I may need to do the next day or looking forward to something but when the time comes not immersing myself int he moment. I also sometimes "assume" that each event will be similar to one in the past - I can ruin a good vacation, thinking well last time something bad happened so it might again. This also assumes a negative purpose towards others actions if we see them as if the person has already injured us, when they haven't done anything yet.
The future: While we should plan for the future if we are always waiting for the next activity/project etc. we will not enjoy the one we are currently on. If we fail to plan or make goal we will end up somewhere on the road to life, but most likely in a completely different location than the one we wish to have been.
In what ways do you find a balance in the past/present/future? or In what ways have you found yourself caught up in one that has effected you positively or negatively?
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Attitude of gratitude
So I have done fairly well on taking care of my body - exercised 3 times out of 4 days. Didn't do so well on people - I need to share one personal thing about myself, but I did smile at all those I passed.
I had a most crazy day yesterday - (my bearded dragon died) As a person that doesn't even kill spiders it was actually quite distressing so I was not very grateful but today I am back on track trying to see the good in the world so.
I am grateful for the most wonderful MA's a pediatrician could wish for (no they do not read my blog - I don't even think they know about it actually) They take such good care of me, put up with my nuances, support me in my self doubt, praise me.
To say thanks I am going to comment on the little things tomorrow things that help make my job easier and help take care of my patients better.
I had a most crazy day yesterday - (my bearded dragon died) As a person that doesn't even kill spiders it was actually quite distressing so I was not very grateful but today I am back on track trying to see the good in the world so.
I am grateful for the most wonderful MA's a pediatrician could wish for (no they do not read my blog - I don't even think they know about it actually) They take such good care of me, put up with my nuances, support me in my self doubt, praise me.
To say thanks I am going to comment on the little things tomorrow things that help make my job easier and help take care of my patients better.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Attitude of gratitude
I am thankful for people
While I spend a lot of my time unsure of what to say, how to start a conversation or feeling awkward, I truly love the uniqueness of each individual I meet.
To show my gratitude for people I am going to smile at everyone I meet tomorrow and tell at least one person something personal about myself
While I spend a lot of my time unsure of what to say, how to start a conversation or feeling awkward, I truly love the uniqueness of each individual I meet.
To show my gratitude for people I am going to smile at everyone I meet tomorrow and tell at least one person something personal about myself
Sunday, April 13, 2014
attitude of gratitude
I've been feeling sort of agitated lately and not able to put my finger on why. The more I try to take "self" time, to relax or chill the more agitated I get. I thought maybe I needed to help others then, the more I did the more I got annoyed that I seemed to have to help so many others. I did take a vacation and afterwards felt better able to deal with the day to day stressors, but I still felt I was over interpreting little things as stressors. I found I'm not enjoying time with family and well just agitated. As I was pondering about why today I realized of course this feeling was coming internally. Outside stress may contribute a little but it was my attitude about the things I had to do that was the problem. Most of the things on my to do list haven't altered much and yet my annoyance level has. I was hit with the thought that I needed to find positive things and not just positive things, but things I am grateful for.
So although it is not fall - not thanksgiving. I am going to blog about those things I am thankful for - at least one post a day until the end of the month.
So today I am thankful for my health: I have an amazing body that is free from disease that allows me to complete any task I need to or want to. My brain is sharp and alert, I am able to process information quickly and this allows me to help others and to enjoy a sense of internal organization.
To show thanks for my body I am going to work out daily. So cheer me on (as good ideas don't always translate into actions). 30 minutes daily exercise to help my body to continue functioning at it's optimal level an say thanks for all it does for me.
So although it is not fall - not thanksgiving. I am going to blog about those things I am thankful for - at least one post a day until the end of the month.
So today I am thankful for my health: I have an amazing body that is free from disease that allows me to complete any task I need to or want to. My brain is sharp and alert, I am able to process information quickly and this allows me to help others and to enjoy a sense of internal organization.
To show thanks for my body I am going to work out daily. So cheer me on (as good ideas don't always translate into actions). 30 minutes daily exercise to help my body to continue functioning at it's optimal level an say thanks for all it does for me.
Friday, April 11, 2014
I don't care what others think
What does this statement mean to you?
I was recently dealing with a relative that was making quite a scene at a public park and when asked to use a more quiet voice, she said I don't care what other people think; I speak my mind.
This and the many "just saying" comments I have heard make me wonder about what these statements mean.
Do they mean they don't care about other people's opinions, do they mean they don't care how their actions reflect on themselves or others. Do they only don't care if people think negative about them. Do they mean that somehow if they don't care about what you think they have the right to enforce their views to be heard. They don't care if you care. Really what do they mean? If they don't care what other people think does that mean that they somehow matter more than anyone else and we all have to put up with them. Is it liberating to not care. I think in the above situation it was a somewhat selfish statement, that somehow this relative's needs superseded all those around them.
I like to try to teach my children to not care what other's think as far as empowering them to be their best self and not worry if someone else thinks it is best. There is a certain amount of crippling that occurs if you are worried about what another will say, as we do answer to ourselves, but we should care about others while caring for ourselves.
I try to empower the parents I see to parent in the way they feel best and not let their children's actions reflect on them. How many of us have been in a situation where someone thought we should do or say something differently to our children - but who knows your child best? You or the neighbor. Do your best and let only yourself be the judge, not others.
I try to empower my teen patients to be happy with who they are.
But by being happy with who you, are you are infringing on another's rights then instead of saying I don't care what they think about me, you are in actuality saying I don't care ABOUT YOU. While we can be empowered to be our true selves, by not letting other's opinions of us become our opinions about ourselves we should care about others, otherwise what is life for. All the things we can own will never make up for the relationships we may have missed.
I care what other's think but I don't let it control who I think I am or how I behave: hopefully that is what the above statement would mean if I were to say it.
What do you think?
I was recently dealing with a relative that was making quite a scene at a public park and when asked to use a more quiet voice, she said I don't care what other people think; I speak my mind.
This and the many "just saying" comments I have heard make me wonder about what these statements mean.
Do they mean they don't care about other people's opinions, do they mean they don't care how their actions reflect on themselves or others. Do they only don't care if people think negative about them. Do they mean that somehow if they don't care about what you think they have the right to enforce their views to be heard. They don't care if you care. Really what do they mean? If they don't care what other people think does that mean that they somehow matter more than anyone else and we all have to put up with them. Is it liberating to not care. I think in the above situation it was a somewhat selfish statement, that somehow this relative's needs superseded all those around them.
I like to try to teach my children to not care what other's think as far as empowering them to be their best self and not worry if someone else thinks it is best. There is a certain amount of crippling that occurs if you are worried about what another will say, as we do answer to ourselves, but we should care about others while caring for ourselves.
I try to empower the parents I see to parent in the way they feel best and not let their children's actions reflect on them. How many of us have been in a situation where someone thought we should do or say something differently to our children - but who knows your child best? You or the neighbor. Do your best and let only yourself be the judge, not others.
I try to empower my teen patients to be happy with who they are.
But by being happy with who you, are you are infringing on another's rights then instead of saying I don't care what they think about me, you are in actuality saying I don't care ABOUT YOU. While we can be empowered to be our true selves, by not letting other's opinions of us become our opinions about ourselves we should care about others, otherwise what is life for. All the things we can own will never make up for the relationships we may have missed.
I care what other's think but I don't let it control who I think I am or how I behave: hopefully that is what the above statement would mean if I were to say it.
What do you think?
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I believe
A couple of weeks ago at church we were discussing beliefs - and the teacher referred to a talk by Gordon B Hinckley about his beliefs. In our church we have the 13 articles of faith that explain what our theology is - these haven't changed over time - we stick to these beliefs as the foundational aspects of our religion. Just as there are foundational principles in our religion we all have principles we live by - that guide our lives and really determine our character or the way in which we behave. I was inspired to write my beliefs but, as life goes, got too busy and therefore did not at that time. Now today we have had a lesson on faith, and as part of that discussed that faith without actions is dead - If we say we believe something or believe in something our actions should back that up. The talk by Gordon B hinckley was again brought to my mind, but this time I was determined to write my beliefs and not let anything get in the way of that today. What I believe, what I do or do not do that is true to that belief. These are the things I hold true that do not change based on what other's think but are innate to me.
1. I BELIEVE IN THE PLAN OF SALVATION
I know we all have a purpose on this earth, that we lived before we came to this earth and that we
will return to our heavenly father if that is the righteous desire of our heart. Despite this belief I
often find myself doubting my own worth - yet I know that the Lord made no insignificant thing.
To be true to this belief I will find his path for me - what I am to do on this earth and I will do it to
the best of my ability and then I will turn to the Lord and let him make it even better.
2. I BELIEVE IN THE GRAND DESIGN OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE HUMAN BODY
The mountain, stars, sunrise, a newborn baby, the sunset, the ocean are beautiful and bring me a
sense of peace as well as wonder. While I believe the earth was created with order according to
innate laws of the universe such as gravity and evolution, I believe the creator orchestrated the
creation within these laws. I take time to enjoy the small wonders of nature and stand in awe of
all the human body is capable of. To be true to this belief I work to enjoy my daily job, to glory
that I have the ability to obtain knowledge and to use it to help others.
3. I BELIEVE IN FAMILY
I know my family is the most important part of my existence on this earth. Not only my children
but my parents, grandparents, siblings and even cousins. I have a great desire to live together
some day.
I can show this faith by doing family history more consistently and building a better relationship
with my family members while I am on this earth to carry us into the eternities. I know we have
differences and weaknesses but I love all my family despite those differences, I need to act in
accordance with this belief by making a stronger effort to involve, include and show that love
4. I BELIEVE THE BOOK OF MORMON TO BE THE WORD OF GOD AND THAT ABIDING
BY ITS PRINCIPLES BRING US TRUE HAPPINESS
I know this to be true and only need to act on it by reading and abiding by the principles of the
Book of Mormon
5. I BELIEVE IN REPENTANCE
I know we are here to build our character, to move from a state of ignorance to one of
understanding. This means we will make mistakes, adjustments daily - I know this does not mean
we are not good.
We each have innate worth and choose what to include in our life, what we do now, what we think
of now, what we choose to remember, how we choose to act. I can abide by this principle by
turning from those things I do not want engrained in my character and by choosing instead of
reacting. I don't need to feel guilty for things I am working on, but can fill my life with joy and
love. I need not remain stagnant or torture myself with past mistakes
6. I BELIEVE IN DIVINE GUIDANCE AND INSPIRATION
I feel inspiration daily (especially in the early morning hours as I am just awakening)
I can follow the guidance given and not let negative feelings, or thoughts stand in the way of what
I feel inspired to do
9. I BELIEVE IN HARD WORK
I sometimes love to be lazy but I feel so good when I get up and work
JUST DO IT
10. I BELIEVE IN MCKYE
Although sometimes a little stinker he has such love and a true enjoyment in life
I can allow him to be happy and not be overly serious with life
11. I BELIEVE IN KYLER
He is honorable, trustworthy, responsible and loyal
I know he can go far in life
He needs love and support
12. I BELIEVE IN ADDERLY
She loves to help others, to make other happy. She is creative and full of beauty. She will be a
strong accomplished young woman
She needs a refined lady as an example (I need to be that example)
1. I BELIEVE IN THE PLAN OF SALVATION
I know we all have a purpose on this earth, that we lived before we came to this earth and that we
will return to our heavenly father if that is the righteous desire of our heart. Despite this belief I
often find myself doubting my own worth - yet I know that the Lord made no insignificant thing.
To be true to this belief I will find his path for me - what I am to do on this earth and I will do it to
the best of my ability and then I will turn to the Lord and let him make it even better.
2. I BELIEVE IN THE GRAND DESIGN OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE HUMAN BODY
The mountain, stars, sunrise, a newborn baby, the sunset, the ocean are beautiful and bring me a
sense of peace as well as wonder. While I believe the earth was created with order according to
innate laws of the universe such as gravity and evolution, I believe the creator orchestrated the
creation within these laws. I take time to enjoy the small wonders of nature and stand in awe of
all the human body is capable of. To be true to this belief I work to enjoy my daily job, to glory
that I have the ability to obtain knowledge and to use it to help others.
3. I BELIEVE IN FAMILY
I know my family is the most important part of my existence on this earth. Not only my children
but my parents, grandparents, siblings and even cousins. I have a great desire to live together
some day.
I can show this faith by doing family history more consistently and building a better relationship
with my family members while I am on this earth to carry us into the eternities. I know we have
differences and weaknesses but I love all my family despite those differences, I need to act in
accordance with this belief by making a stronger effort to involve, include and show that love
4. I BELIEVE THE BOOK OF MORMON TO BE THE WORD OF GOD AND THAT ABIDING
BY ITS PRINCIPLES BRING US TRUE HAPPINESS
I know this to be true and only need to act on it by reading and abiding by the principles of the
Book of Mormon
5. I BELIEVE IN REPENTANCE
I know we are here to build our character, to move from a state of ignorance to one of
understanding. This means we will make mistakes, adjustments daily - I know this does not mean
we are not good.
We each have innate worth and choose what to include in our life, what we do now, what we think
of now, what we choose to remember, how we choose to act. I can abide by this principle by
turning from those things I do not want engrained in my character and by choosing instead of
reacting. I don't need to feel guilty for things I am working on, but can fill my life with joy and
love. I need not remain stagnant or torture myself with past mistakes
6. I BELIEVE IN DIVINE GUIDANCE AND INSPIRATION
I feel inspiration daily (especially in the early morning hours as I am just awakening)
I can follow the guidance given and not let negative feelings, or thoughts stand in the way of what
I feel inspired to do
9. I BELIEVE IN HARD WORK
I sometimes love to be lazy but I feel so good when I get up and work
JUST DO IT
10. I BELIEVE IN MCKYE
Although sometimes a little stinker he has such love and a true enjoyment in life
I can allow him to be happy and not be overly serious with life
11. I BELIEVE IN KYLER
He is honorable, trustworthy, responsible and loyal
I know he can go far in life
He needs love and support
12. I BELIEVE IN ADDERLY
She loves to help others, to make other happy. She is creative and full of beauty. She will be a
strong accomplished young woman
She needs a refined lady as an example (I need to be that example)
Monday, February 24, 2014
tough love
What is tough love? Is that simply a term we adults use to say we get our children to mind but do so in a way that we claim it is for their own good. Or is it a way for others to judge us and tell us if we truly loved our kids we would intervene.
You know I'm not sure, but I think it means it's not so much touch on the kids but actually tough on us. I have watched my now 8 year old and the art of crying for nye on 5 years. If his brother so much as gets within a foot he can start the tears flowing and make up an excuse that his brother has hit, pinched, or kicked him somewhere - even when not true. So does a crying toddler in his bed know what he is doing. Is it conscious or subconscious. Are they really upset or is crying just a form of communication. If your 2 year old yells at you to get back in their room right now - would you or would you promptly tell him he may not talk to you that way.
From the beginning of early infancy crying is not sadness but a form of communication - probably not really linked much with an emotional state at all - then on into the school years crying is mostly out of physical pain (aside from my coercive 8 year old), then teenage years it's almost all emotional pain.
So back to tough love, is it that we are being tough on our kids, or is what we have to do tough on our own emotional state. It is most certainly not easy to listen to your child cry for hours on end as you are trying to teach him to sleep. As with all things in my medical career I weight the risks and benefits of treating versus not treating.
Not treating - benefits - child quickly falls to sleep with bottle, rocking etc. Risks: child does not learn to self soothe, gets less quality sleep - if with bottle - may get dental caries - learns further manipulation of parents, parents get poor sleep and have less reserve to deal with now tired child.
Treating: benefits, the opposite of the above, child learns parents mean it when they say it, learns to self soothe - quality sleep. Risks: child cries for hours on end, parents are frustrated (although only for a short time). Parents feel they are forever scarring their child.
So Tough love I think means it is tough for parents to step back from their own needs and reactions to truly view the needs of their child not in a now sense but in the long run. We don't want to see our children in pain, but by preventing pain early on we may ensue pain at a later date.
You know I'm not sure, but I think it means it's not so much touch on the kids but actually tough on us. I have watched my now 8 year old and the art of crying for nye on 5 years. If his brother so much as gets within a foot he can start the tears flowing and make up an excuse that his brother has hit, pinched, or kicked him somewhere - even when not true. So does a crying toddler in his bed know what he is doing. Is it conscious or subconscious. Are they really upset or is crying just a form of communication. If your 2 year old yells at you to get back in their room right now - would you or would you promptly tell him he may not talk to you that way.
From the beginning of early infancy crying is not sadness but a form of communication - probably not really linked much with an emotional state at all - then on into the school years crying is mostly out of physical pain (aside from my coercive 8 year old), then teenage years it's almost all emotional pain.
So back to tough love, is it that we are being tough on our kids, or is what we have to do tough on our own emotional state. It is most certainly not easy to listen to your child cry for hours on end as you are trying to teach him to sleep. As with all things in my medical career I weight the risks and benefits of treating versus not treating.
Not treating - benefits - child quickly falls to sleep with bottle, rocking etc. Risks: child does not learn to self soothe, gets less quality sleep - if with bottle - may get dental caries - learns further manipulation of parents, parents get poor sleep and have less reserve to deal with now tired child.
Treating: benefits, the opposite of the above, child learns parents mean it when they say it, learns to self soothe - quality sleep. Risks: child cries for hours on end, parents are frustrated (although only for a short time). Parents feel they are forever scarring their child.
So Tough love I think means it is tough for parents to step back from their own needs and reactions to truly view the needs of their child not in a now sense but in the long run. We don't want to see our children in pain, but by preventing pain early on we may ensue pain at a later date.
What is happiness?
I've recently been asking myself this a lot. In my head it seems like I should be happy. I have a nice home, a stable job, 3 beautiful children and yet lately I have been feeling rather depressed. Interestingly in the last few weeks I have received several comments praising certain aspects of my life and yet I still don't feel "happy" inside. This has led me to question what is happiness, what brings happiness. I thought the praise of others might be enough; but alas, I still feel empty. Wealth? Nope doing great, have plenty of money, plenty of "things" and yet not satisfied. What brings peace, happiness, fulfillment.
Maybe it is different for everyone, what we aspire for and when we feel of worth but I've found for myself, my happiness can only come from inside. No matter how much praise I get, it is like a drug - makes me feel good for a few seconds but then gone and doesn't last. I feel at peace when I am living up to the beliefs I hold inside. When I am me, I feel good. When I conform to the views or opinions of another, when I am untrue to myself, nothing can bring back that sense of belonging and for me belonging in my own skin is my sense of happiness.
So in order to live true to myself I must first know who I am. I am a child of God, I was sent to this earth with a purpose. I am loyal and kind. While not a woman of many friends, I will remain a true friend to the end. I am a nurturer, a person who cares for the well being of others, both spiritually, mentally and physically. I am a peacemaker, I like to find solutions, resolve issues, avoid contention and concede a point to allow peace to reign. I am a hardworker, willing to put in long hours for what I find important. I am thoughtful in deed and in mind, thoughtful towards others, and thoughtful in reasoning. I am a lover of knowledge. I am quick to act and respond. I am quick to perceive.
When I don't act in accordance with who I am, I find myself unhappy. When I don't care for others but gossip or judge, I am less than who I am. When I don't give my all at work or home I know I am capable of more. When I hold friendships light and don't keep up I am not at peace with who I am
So what makes you happy?
Maybe it is different for everyone, what we aspire for and when we feel of worth but I've found for myself, my happiness can only come from inside. No matter how much praise I get, it is like a drug - makes me feel good for a few seconds but then gone and doesn't last. I feel at peace when I am living up to the beliefs I hold inside. When I am me, I feel good. When I conform to the views or opinions of another, when I am untrue to myself, nothing can bring back that sense of belonging and for me belonging in my own skin is my sense of happiness.
So in order to live true to myself I must first know who I am. I am a child of God, I was sent to this earth with a purpose. I am loyal and kind. While not a woman of many friends, I will remain a true friend to the end. I am a nurturer, a person who cares for the well being of others, both spiritually, mentally and physically. I am a peacemaker, I like to find solutions, resolve issues, avoid contention and concede a point to allow peace to reign. I am a hardworker, willing to put in long hours for what I find important. I am thoughtful in deed and in mind, thoughtful towards others, and thoughtful in reasoning. I am a lover of knowledge. I am quick to act and respond. I am quick to perceive.
When I don't act in accordance with who I am, I find myself unhappy. When I don't care for others but gossip or judge, I am less than who I am. When I don't give my all at work or home I know I am capable of more. When I hold friendships light and don't keep up I am not at peace with who I am
So what makes you happy?
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I believe in me
We were having a discussion about beliefs and what kind of things we believe in, some small some big. My friend said, "I believe in myself." She didn't mean it like she thought she was great, but that she believes that she has a purpose and that she is capable of doing good things. When we get to heaven will we be able to say I did my best, I was me and I was true to myself. Or will I have to explain why I wasn't me. So I don't want to be asked - why weren't you you, why did you try to conform to someone else's viewpoint, why didn't you use all the gifts I gave you.
The problem with the above is this: I think it is hard to know who I am. There are things that define me, but aren't really me - I am a doctor, I am a mother but these are hats I wear they aren't my core, they aren't me. So I have set off this week to find out what I believe in and a little more about who I am. I feel like if I know who I am and I am true to that I don't need to feel guilty for all the little things outside of me, and I don't have to be embarrassed or sad if someone disagrees with my opinion or viewpoint (that doesn't give me license to be rude to someone else's viewpoint), but I don't need to take it personally. So often we compare ourselves to others, but why - why aren't we good enough who we are. We should constantly be striving to improve ourselves, better the me that's already inside, but not change to be someone else. I'm an introspective philosopher not a talker, I like small groups not large amounts of people. What can I do in this realm (have more one on one chats, develop loyal friendships) what about me can I believe in and excel at.
This is not to say that if I like to yell I should go ahead and yell we have both positive and negative personality traits but when we learn what those traits are, I think we are then more free to use them, improve them and judge only ourselves, not others and not let others judgement effect us. So you may here what I believe about myself through the remainder of the week - I hope it inspires you to think of you and not to think I am full of myself or that you need to be more like me - Just be more like you.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
The Plan
I've sat down to blog several times and got interrupted each time, which is probably good because I have had time to wrap my brain around the happenings in my life. On the 31st I went to see a patient that was dying. A sweet 8 year old soul that was ready to return to her father in heaven. Her body has been handicapped since birth and she has needed all her daily cares given by someone else. As her sweet spirit was preparing to go home, I felt so blessed to be included and a part of this special time. I was also feeling especially blessed that I have an understanding of the plan of salvation. I know without a doubt that we lived before we came here to earth and that our existence extends beyond the grave after death. As I sat in the room with this little girl I felt it was hallowed ground, a place of reverence. I knew that she was going home, the should and the body seemed to be almost separate and I knew her time was short.
Shortly after her passing I was called to see a newborn baby and again the holy ghost whispered the assurance of the plan of salvation - we are God's children, we have purpose on this earth and then we return to live with him again. The sadness of this life is left behind as we move forward into the next. I hope that I can be more try to myself that I can become all God wants me to be. I fall short so often but I keep trying. Maybe I don't endure it well but I keep pushing forward. I am subject to pain frustration, anger and disappointment but I am also blessed to see the good, give others the advantage of the doubt - I know I can choose to stand in the light.
Shortly after her passing I was called to see a newborn baby and again the holy ghost whispered the assurance of the plan of salvation - we are God's children, we have purpose on this earth and then we return to live with him again. The sadness of this life is left behind as we move forward into the next. I hope that I can be more try to myself that I can become all God wants me to be. I fall short so often but I keep trying. Maybe I don't endure it well but I keep pushing forward. I am subject to pain frustration, anger and disappointment but I am also blessed to see the good, give others the advantage of the doubt - I know I can choose to stand in the light.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Walk a mile...
I was sitting here thinking about how funny or demanding some of the requests I get are. I try to look at it in a positive light, that's why I say funny but really quite demanding and it made me think of the age old saying - walk a mile in someone else's shoes. I had a strange request from someone and At first I thought well she must be worried I better find the time to take care of it- finding the time will be quite difficult though because I have a full day of clinic then would like to get home to my own dinner, need to get my son to scouts and myself to yoga and then pick up my other son from rock climbing. I fancy myself that I am somewhat selfless so was going to forego my dinner or seeing my husband in order to take care of this rather strange concern. As clinic continued to go longer than expected I thought I should at least get a little more information - I found out that not only was the request strange, but based on the circumstance also unwarranted. Now -
Walk a mile in my shoes and you might see the frustration of trying to decide whose needs come first - the baby, the mother, the doctor or the doctors family. The request is not warranted and if becomes so in the future is certainly not urgent. If I put the mother off she may give me horribly bad reviews (not to mention the karma) yet if I go I am taking time out from the needs of my own family and self for a very non urgent manner. Isn't that what doctors sign up for you might say - Well you might say as I am saying that to myself right now. If I do not go I will feel quite selfish and yet if I do I will be yet further drained of my own reservoir; and eventually by giving all to others, will be depleted and able to give no more.
Walk a mile in the mother's shoes and you can see she is worried about her baby, has gone to her mother (her source of knowledge) found that the baby may have a problem and as many of us would be - feels that her baby is urgent; after all who does she have to care for but her own children. Sitting in a hospital bed all day, one may not understand that another person has spent the day busily at work and that the patients in the office have scheduled time to see their doctor and some of them may have an urgent concern.
Walk a mile in the nurses shoes and you'll see an overworked individual who is trying to reassure an anxious mother with little success so resorts to calling in the physician.
So I guess the point to all this is the next time you feel bad, guilty, frustrated take a minute to think about all the miles, add them up and maybe you'll see your miles aren't so bad. Also remember that the behavior you see from someone else is the outward expression to a myriad of inward emotions and motivations.
Walk a mile in my shoes and you might see the frustration of trying to decide whose needs come first - the baby, the mother, the doctor or the doctors family. The request is not warranted and if becomes so in the future is certainly not urgent. If I put the mother off she may give me horribly bad reviews (not to mention the karma) yet if I go I am taking time out from the needs of my own family and self for a very non urgent manner. Isn't that what doctors sign up for you might say - Well you might say as I am saying that to myself right now. If I do not go I will feel quite selfish and yet if I do I will be yet further drained of my own reservoir; and eventually by giving all to others, will be depleted and able to give no more.
Walk a mile in the mother's shoes and you can see she is worried about her baby, has gone to her mother (her source of knowledge) found that the baby may have a problem and as many of us would be - feels that her baby is urgent; after all who does she have to care for but her own children. Sitting in a hospital bed all day, one may not understand that another person has spent the day busily at work and that the patients in the office have scheduled time to see their doctor and some of them may have an urgent concern.
Walk a mile in the nurses shoes and you'll see an overworked individual who is trying to reassure an anxious mother with little success so resorts to calling in the physician.
So I guess the point to all this is the next time you feel bad, guilty, frustrated take a minute to think about all the miles, add them up and maybe you'll see your miles aren't so bad. Also remember that the behavior you see from someone else is the outward expression to a myriad of inward emotions and motivations.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
The now
I was reading an article about starting things: the best time to do so is now. So I decided that today I am going to exercise, find positive things about my husband, have more patience with my kids… and the list goes on. So this was yesterday, I had to stay late at work, my daughter (10) decided to make drama over dinner, throwing herself on the counter because I was mean enough to refuse dessert until she had eaten dinner and I thought what do I do NOW. What a powerful word NOW. What is happening at the very moment, what emotion is being felt at this exact time, probably the most important time of the day is always NOW. Yet it is hard to fill now with the most important thing - somehow the unimportant filters in and takes our time even though we somehow know it shouldn't. Somehow the reaction takes over before we have actually taken the time to even discover what the emotion is we are feeling right NOW. Somehow we give others control of ourselves and forget to take that control and act in the NOW. So what do I want to do right NOW. I want to be happy, I want to be humble, I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be frustrated, I want to help others but not be overwhelmed by their needs at the expense of mine, I want to feel free, I want to feel light, I want to be humble, I want to be still, I want to feel and know of god's love at the same time, I want to feel important, I want to feel loved, I want to know I matter but know that I don't matter more than someone else.
Can I have or do these things right now. I want to be happy - is this my choice, or based on the actions of other. I want to be humble - do I trust in the Lord and his pathway or am I trying to do things my own way. I don't want to be angry or frustrated - am I allowing my circumstances to have control, or am I taking control of my own feelings. I want to help but not be overwhelmed - am I able to be compassionate about others or am I judging their situation, am I taking the needs of others to the Lord, or only focusing on my own needs. I want to feel free - am I living life so that I am not restricted by finance, by physical or emotional baggage - what am I doing to get rid of the baggage. I want to feel loved - am I innately loved and important or do I need other's acceptance to validate my worth. I WANT TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT GOD IS.
Can I have or do these things right now. I want to be happy - is this my choice, or based on the actions of other. I want to be humble - do I trust in the Lord and his pathway or am I trying to do things my own way. I don't want to be angry or frustrated - am I allowing my circumstances to have control, or am I taking control of my own feelings. I want to help but not be overwhelmed - am I able to be compassionate about others or am I judging their situation, am I taking the needs of others to the Lord, or only focusing on my own needs. I want to feel free - am I living life so that I am not restricted by finance, by physical or emotional baggage - what am I doing to get rid of the baggage. I want to feel loved - am I innately loved and important or do I need other's acceptance to validate my worth. I WANT TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT GOD IS.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Unfortunately I have started 2 blogs in the past, one I left off and one I've lost. It's unlikely that anyone will read this, but I have felt inspired to write. I am trying to post on daily events of inspiration showing Christ's evidence in my life and introspections of human reactions. I am a pediatrician that works with a large group of underprivileged patients that leads me to frequently ask questions about the human condition.
Today I have been wondering about interactions between ourselves. Why do we get so nervous being around others. Why do we crave closeness and yet find a hard time achieving it. Well at least some of us do. I find there is a distance between me and others - partly why I am writing this - to forge a connection with others of a like mind, but to meet others that I would otherwise not be able to meet. Also why I am not posting on Facebook but a more anonymous source.
I feel the light of Christ in my life, so why do I still hold back. As I was sitting in our sunday school class we were discussing effects of the fall of Adam - I had several comments to say and yet held back. Inside I had a sense of agitation and still do. As I said a prayer asking for this agitation to calm I felt inspired to write.
Maybe in today's world it is just so easy to be distant from others - from elementary to college we are placed in groups - we are labeled - part of us wants to break away from that label and just be me, but there are good things to be defined as or by. When I was young, I would go to my grandmother's house and she would have visitors or she would have a quilt on and a number of women would come and chat together - I think they worked out their marital problems, child rearing problems and I think these visits/quilts were medicinal against anxiety and depression. When do we get to have an in depth conversation with others. In this fast pace world we meet so many and yet know so few. I know in my neighborhood some of the people seem to have forged strong friendships and occasionally I start but don't seem to get that far. Maybe it's just winter speaking: stuck inside, not communicating with others.
Anyway - thoughts on the inner self and how we interact with others.
Today I wonder - tomorrow I am going to notice these interactions and the hand of God in my life and post
Today I have been wondering about interactions between ourselves. Why do we get so nervous being around others. Why do we crave closeness and yet find a hard time achieving it. Well at least some of us do. I find there is a distance between me and others - partly why I am writing this - to forge a connection with others of a like mind, but to meet others that I would otherwise not be able to meet. Also why I am not posting on Facebook but a more anonymous source.
I feel the light of Christ in my life, so why do I still hold back. As I was sitting in our sunday school class we were discussing effects of the fall of Adam - I had several comments to say and yet held back. Inside I had a sense of agitation and still do. As I said a prayer asking for this agitation to calm I felt inspired to write.
Maybe in today's world it is just so easy to be distant from others - from elementary to college we are placed in groups - we are labeled - part of us wants to break away from that label and just be me, but there are good things to be defined as or by. When I was young, I would go to my grandmother's house and she would have visitors or she would have a quilt on and a number of women would come and chat together - I think they worked out their marital problems, child rearing problems and I think these visits/quilts were medicinal against anxiety and depression. When do we get to have an in depth conversation with others. In this fast pace world we meet so many and yet know so few. I know in my neighborhood some of the people seem to have forged strong friendships and occasionally I start but don't seem to get that far. Maybe it's just winter speaking: stuck inside, not communicating with others.
Anyway - thoughts on the inner self and how we interact with others.
Today I wonder - tomorrow I am going to notice these interactions and the hand of God in my life and post
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)