Trusting yourself

Sauchek Farm Halloween Fun

Just reviewing my last posts and wondering why it has been so long since I have written.  I think I tend to write to the blogosphere when I have my head on straight, and not when I'm in the midst of discovery or mental/emotional storms.  It seems I have to go through the thinking, contemplating part and then when I have it figured out again I can share with the world.  So the last few months have honestly just been downers.  Maybe a contrast from this great summer when we had family and fun, or maybe getting back to responsibilities of work and school.
I now have 2 teenage children, and an adorable little preteen and the challenges coming with them as they discover who they are, who they want to be all in the midst of what others want or think of them had me second guessing myself A LOT.  I had this view of myself as a mother and it seemed to be crumbling as my oldest son seemed to disagree with every thing I said.  I think he would honestly argue the color of the sky with me.  As a mother I have always been fairly confident and able to parent with firm love, but I was confused as to how much to let him decide, how much I should decide.  I can't believe how much self discovery a 30 something year old mother can go through as she thinks about all the whys and reasons she does things.  I have to say this has been a huge testimony building time as all the values I hold come into question either in my own mind or by my son.  Why do we do that, why not that.  So much of my world has been firm and steady since my early college years.  I made commitments and promises to my heavenly father at that time and have spend the last 15/20 years following the guidance of the holy ghost but for some reason when it came to parenting my teenage son, I threw it all out the window.  I was asking him how he felt instead of trusting in my gut.

Cranberry festival

Sadly I must say this sort of filtered into all aspects of my life.  I've been second guessing decisions at work, my life decisions, even simple things like what to do with my day.  I feel like I have been going through the daily motions of living but not fully living or grasping the moment, like everything has been just a little less bright.  I have been reading my scriptures more consistently and with more fervor, and spending more time in prayer.  This morning because I was sick I spent time just sitting/lying around and had so many impressions.  You don't realize how shut off you are until you open your heart and feel such peace and joy.  I had to laugh at myself as I realized how silly I've been.  I know what I'm doing, I can trust myself and my heavenly father.  He knows my children and right now more importantly so do I.  I don't need to be walking on eggshells that I might make one of them mad, I know what they need and with love can provide an atmosphere where they can learn and grow.  

I was recently speaking with a friend and she mentioned learning to trust herself.  I thought I had done that, but I guess I needed a little re- self discovery as I learned to trust myself again.  

So what decisions do you have today that you are second guessing and how can you show yourself greater love and trust?  If you haven't yet learned to trust yourself - make a firm decision and rejoice in the outcome turning out well, build on what you already know.

Supergirl

I know some of you are wondering if I'm still alive - yes - indeed.  This summer was so crazy - a good crazy.  We had visitors for over 3 weeks, Kyler went to Utah for 3 weeks, we went to Iceland and then school starting back up and trying to get back into routine - well I just forgot to write.

Pictures of iceland for this blog - will catch up with other summer photos later.

I have sooooo needed to though.  My mind has been so full.  I had so much to do one day I started writing a list but instead of finishing the list my mind just seemed to be spinning so I wrote it out like I felt it was happening in my head - whatever "to do" popped in my head I wrote it in a random place on the paper and when I saw all the words all over in a mess on the paper I realized how scattered my thoughts had become.  I look forward to this blog to organize those thoughts, to rein them in.  

As I was thinking this morning, wisdom came from the strangest place.  The kids and I have been watching super girl - strong and brave like superman, but a lot of the episodes focus on kindness, hope, and love.  

I have been struggling with the do's and don'ts of the teenage years.  Wanting to let them expand their wings but so scared that they may fall.  My job doesn't lend itself to a lot of trust in the teenage department, as I see the ramifications of the oopses.  In this episode of Super Girl the world is about to end because the human race is so full of fear that they are easily overcome and controlled - Super Girl sends out a broadcast of hope and in doing so releases them all from the debilitating mind control.  As this scene replayed itself in my head this morning, I couldn't help think this is what Jesus does for us.  We are sometimes lost and afraid, we don't know what to do and we can be controlled by our fear instead, but when we look to Christ he fills our life with light and hope.  Sometimes I focus so much on my to do list that I lose the sweet music of the gospel of christ - I don't live with just a hope of a better future but a hope in Christ that he knows me, he knows my children, he loves us and in the grand scheme of things everything is going to be okay.  I was maybe stuck in a little teenage rut of development myself, living in my mind short sightedly instead of seeing things from a more eternal perspective.  These years are but a small moment and here for our benefit so we can learn and grow.  I realized that my "parenting style" had become so full of the fears and the negative what ifs that I was missing out on the hope and love.  I can embrace now as a moment to learn, to laugh, to share, and to hope through Christ for a better future.  

I am determined today to enjoy the relationships in my path - to spend time connecting to those around me and not be ruled by to do's, what ifs or worries.  The future is bright, all shall be well.

I hope you all have a great day too, that you can find whatever message of hope you need to push forward with a steadfastness of faith and love.

Memories

Today is our 17th wedding anniversary.  For those celebrating their 30th or 40th this may still feel like young love, but for some reason this year has just hit me how long we have been together.  This fact led me to some reminiscing this morning and then I was cleaning out a cabinet and came across old school notes from as far back as 7th grade.  It made me realize how many people have been a part of making me who I am.  While we are all unique I feel like we are the sum of all sorts of small connections and interactions that we've had over the years.  While I sometimes look back on some of the parts or decisions of my life with some sadness or regret I'm thankful for them all as they have made me who I am.

I can sometimes laugh at myself for the "depth" of my emotion - my "emo" tendencies so to speak, my tendency to sit and reminisce like this morning, but I'm also crazy, goofy, dance around the house, smile for no reason, accept everyone for who they are, splash in the sand and ocean, climb a rock wall, push to win, hold a baby tight, pieces of all my friends, family, and acquaintances.

Some of you have been more briefly in my life than others, some stronger influences, but I am me because of you.

Thanks to Billie, Krissta (KAB), Missy, Whitney, Callie, Heather, Lisa, Michael, Justin, Jayson, Ted,
Joshua, Kelly, Blaine, Laramy, Lorinda, Chelsea, Jessi, Cindy, Doug, Letha, Lincoln, Sally, Bill, Jenny, Tina, Randy, Doug, Tessa, Connie, Pat, Eddie, Ronald, Mia, Ricky, Rindy, Lou Ann, Harold, Dianna, Shawn, Shanna, Chad, Ryan, Jenny, Dallin, Karissa, Devin, Tina, Kat, Connie, Streator, Stacy, Stephanie, Scott, Nick, Mike and Megan, Phong, Cameo, Mike, Russ and Jessica, Tisha and Dave, Ross and Eden, Mike, Leah, Mhari, Evan and Cheryl, Lauren and Gordan, Jessica and James, Catherine and Kent, Becca, Nathan, James, Tanner, Jeff and Gail, Diane and Corbin, Heidi and Lindsey, to all those I haven't mentioned but who filter through my thoughts and heart.

No matter where I go in life, no matter if our paths cross again, if we keep in touch a little, a lot, or not at all - - You are all in my heart and soul as pieces of who I am
Thank you for all you've done, for your love, your personalities, your uniqueness, your connection.


To the human family - to all those that I've met and all those I've yet to meet
Love and Thanks

To my husband who will share this journey with me in a capacity and duration that no one else can match, I love you not just for all the good, but for all - all we have been through, all we will yet go through, all that has shaped us and made us who we are, may we continue through the refiners fire to become all we are capable of

Nisha

SUMMER!!!

So my last post I wrote knowing that I would be busy the first part of the summer so I thought I would write early and then post it to keep up - well then I forgot to post it, so back to back posts this week hee hee.

So summer aww summer, I mean who doesn't love the season really.  Fresh fruit, parades, good weather and in my case... FAMILY.

So my parents and Tanner (Kyler's best friend) came out to visit for 2 whole weeks.  It was such a lovely visit I feel so recharged.  We went to waterfalls in NH, a seaport in Rhode island, visited the plymouth sites regarding the pilgrims and had down time for some of our favorite activities - i.e. cape cod baseball and ICE CREAM.

I've been back to work for a week now and I can't believe how fast time goes.  the first day back was of course busy - that's what happens when you're away for a couple of weeks, the following 2 days were busy as well, and I got out late, I had 7 days straight to work but through it all I was still just chill - I think the vacation was well needed.  I feel like I am connecting better with my patients and realize I just needed a little bit of rest.  I really love what I do.  I had a number of one year visits this past week and I just can't believe I've been here long enough to have my patient panel growing up.  I love watching the change in not only the baby, but the parents as they go from that precious newborn baby to the toddling one year old.
As I am struggling to redefine my role in my teenagers lives, I love having that weekly reminder of my own growth throughout their lives - it seems like just a moment ago they were handing me Kyler for the first time - 21 hrs of labor and an emergency c section later what a precious gift.  I love the uniqueness of each of my children, but Kyler holds so many firsts.  First baby, first foods, first walker, now we're moving on to first girlfriend, first time he's held hands - I'm quite nervous about the first break up but realize life continues on for all of us.

It's so fun having teenagers - through all the challenges it is so funny but I feel like I am working through some of my own teenage awkwardness - some of the things I may have pushed under the rug, feelings that I didn't know how to work through in my immature self I am embracing and laughing at now.  As Kyler is starting in with several of his firsts I have reflected back and drudged up memories that I well didn't remember.  I have thought of things in a different light.  Along my "teenage career" I had developed a sense of regret, missed opportunities and lost friendships, but thinking back has allowed me the opportunity to remember all of the fun things, all of the good friendships.  Really - my life is just so good, it is hard to believe the amount of blessings I have received, I see the Lord's hand in each step.  When I get caught up in the moment I can be scared, angry, or frustrated but when I put on the glasses of remembrance I realize how often I have felt our heavenly father near.  I am so grateful for my knowledge of the plan of salvation, that there is meaning to this life and purpose beyond our own meager interests and the moment.

I love this beautiful summer weather to sit out early int he morning, late at night, listen to the birds sing, watch the fireflies and revel in our existence.
So when you're caught up with the negative - pull out your glasses of remembrance - think of all those great times you had with friends, family, yourself, take a little time to sit in nature and remember how much you are loved




 

SEASONS

So I know I have talked about the seasons of our lives, especially with season changes in the climate, but this morning I had a glimpse of the seasons in our lives.  McKye is currently at an overnight camp with the school - crazy at his age, I think I did hyperventilate a little when I put him on the bus - but I have updates from one of the chaperones and pictures which has calmed my nerves - but back to the point... One of the recurring themes in my life - recognizing that I am good enough where I am and who I am right now - I don't have to do everything all at once to be good enough.

So with McKye gone the house has been so quiet - so clean and well really boring.  I've had 2 mornings in a row with no kids and the house is already clean so I really haven't had anything to do - which has totally thrown me off because I usually use these mornings to get a ton of errands and to do list stuff done - and I kind of just don't have anything that needs doing.  So in true Nisha fashion I started thinking I wasn't doing enough - there has to be something that needs done, someone to serve or help.

As I was pondering I had a sweet impression that today is good enough just how it is.  With a small glimpse of what it may be like as the kids grow older and do more on their own I realized that right here and now the most important thing is being there to love and support them- in a few years all the other "service ideas" may take up more of my time and energy - and there will be a season for that.  There will be a time when I can go back to exploring my hobbies and ideas but the season I am in now holds value on it's own and I am doing okay in my current execution of my time.  Small changes and listening to the promptings as they come remain important, but I need to recognize the current season for what it is and embrace it fully without worry about what comes next or the upcoming season - at least not so much that I miss out on the beauties of the current season of my life.

So take a moment to relish in where you are right now - who you influence right now and just breath in a little love for yourself.

One year

So crazy as it seems, tomorrow marks the year anniversary of starting work here in Lakeville MA.  Retrospection and contemplation are interesting things, we see the past from different eyes than we did at the present, or we did when we were looking forward.  I was asked yesterday if I'm happy with the decision I made a year ago and well you know me, I don't like to share my inner most feelings lightly, so I made a few brief remarks about change and moving forward, but I have spent this morning thinking about the last year.

I'm in one of my funks so I was sort of down this morning, but exploring my thoughts and feelings I have to say at best they are mixed.  There is so much I miss - some of the littlest things - I haven't been able to get my seeds to take, so don't have a garden and I miss it.  I loved my raspberries, my sunroom, my seedlings, - watching the plants grow and harvesting at the end of the year.  I miss things that just seemed to be part of me.  I miss the routine of seeing my parents and grandma every sunday - I miss the vegetables she would always bring - and the dessert.  I miss mowing her lawn.  I miss my MA's at work, their laughter, their frustrations, the closeness we shared.  I feel that no matter how hard I try to stay in touch, my life, and those I would stay close to move forward faster than allows for a consistent communication.  I think it has been months since I spoke with some of my siblings, when I would normally see them a couple times a month.

BUT on the reverse side, I love the birds that wake me each morning from sleep, I love the breeze that always seems to be playing gently in the forest behind the house, I love watching my kids work together, finding new adventures.  I love the ocean - just listening to the waves crash against the sand, the breeze that comes off the water and the critters that are alive no matter where you go.  I love the smile on the faces at work, listening to new mothers working on life here just as they are everywhere throughout the world.

We have learned so much in the last year about what really matters, the importance of family.  The unique aspect of each person here on the earth and mostly the love of our Heavenly Father - that he has our needs in mind, and he is ready to give us all the support and love we need if we but just ask.  I have come to rely on him so much more and am thankful for the power of prayer and the holy ghost that continues to lead us in even the small choices.

With such mixed feelings I can't say that I am happy or unhappy with the choice we made, but I know we are where we belong right now for our family and I know I can continue to trust and rely on the Lord even when I may not fully understand, even when I may grow frustrated with my own weakness there is a greater plan and looking back over the last year has solidified my testimony and made me focus on the things that matter most.

I hope you can take a minute to pause today to think back over the last week, month, or year - what have you learned, where are you headed, what matters most to you, hold to that and


have a great day!!

Stretching

So I went and did an awesome yoga class 2 days ago, and then yesterday was really sore - but that good sore where you feel like you have worked every muscle you didn't even know you had, giving your body a great big thank you for everything it does for you.  All that physical stretching has me thinking about the stretching we do as individuals.
We all have our comfort zone, and stretching beyond it - like the sore muscles, can make us quite uncomfortable -  but is well worth it in the end.  I have been trying hard to stretch myself.  To talk to new people, to think outside myself and not just focus on my wants and needs, but on others.  Some days it feels like I just do the same thing every day- work, clean house, go to bed, wake up do it all again - am I really growing or stretching?
Yesterday at work one of my colleagues looked over (kind of out of nowhere) and said - Nisha you're sure opening up, you're not as quiet as you were when you first got here.  We never know how other people view us - but at least in this instance I felt like her statement was a good thing, and indication that I was indeed stretching beyond myself if someone else had noticed.
I hope my kids will see that stretching is a good thing - we miss out on opportunities to learn and grow from other people when we close ourselves off, but for some of us it is easier to live in our own heads than open up.  I often wonder why that is.  I honestly can't say I have had a lot of negative experience when I open up.  I get so nervous to speak my thoughts sometimes, but I really haven't had anybody make me feel bad for my thoughts, sometimes it's funny because if I were to analyze it - what am I nervous about - nothing is going to happen to me if I say hi, share a story, it's really some internal road block - and yet no matter how much I analyze it, the feeling is still there: what do I say, what do I do, I feel nervous/uncomfortable.
So in the vein of stretching: I have joined the local chapter of days for girls (anyone interested in donating material, kits, money or making their own chapter go online and check it out); I went to a refugee meeting to see about helping those that are in need, I went to a new yoga class, and I invited a family over for a game night that I don't usually hang out with --- would you know not one of those had a bad outcome, in fact the women I met with days of girls are super excited to have a new member, the refugee committee is glad for another volunteer and I feel enriched learning about another culture, I had a super fun time at yoga and met some awesome women, and I had a great time at the game night.  Looking back it really doesn't make sense to stay in my quiet comfort zone as I am neither enriching others or enriched myself, and yet that same old ache is there when I stretch - so funny.
So anyway - here's to hoping you're all stretching a little - but like yoga, for some of us the poses just come natural - we can stretch so far we have to find ways to take that stretch a little deeper and for others of us we are so tight, that even a little movement outside of our normal posture feels uncomfortable.  The depth of stretching is different for us all - but benefits everyone when we are able to push ourselves and dig a little deeper.

spring has sprung!!

Well it seems like it is taking forever for spring to get here, but things have finally started to blossom and bloom.  I planted seeds - after reading in Alma about faith, I was using it as an object lesson with the kids - then the weather turned way cold and all the seedlings died.  I have not had seeds die in - well I don't think I ever had- so I had to change my object lesson from the positive - feed your testimony with light and your faith will grow to a tree - to look what happens when you feel the spirit and then don't follow it.  So now I have replanted my seeds and hopefully - object lesson aside - they will grow again.  We did have some warm weather over spring break and the kids got the telescope out a couple nights in a row.  Kyler placed his phone next to the eyepiece and shot this picture - pretty cool right.  It's awesome to see the craters on the moon.

Other things - Adderly has been doing volleyball - McKye played volleyball in gym and he wants to play recreational - I would like to join a league that plays on the beach in the summer.

We're settling in to spring - but I am hoping summer comes a little faster.  Seeing as the kids have school all the way into the end of June I guess it's good it's not too warm or we would all have spring fever and not want to focus on school.

Today being mother's day the kids made me the traditional breakfast in bed and they gave me a yoga ma6 carrier, I am so excited.  I need to get back into a few of my hobbies now that we have settled in here.  The kids are getting back into activities, and I am ready as well.

No major thought provoking ideas today just within everyone a happy Mother's day with a little peace and quiet.

Accentuating the positive

Kite flying last week

Watching the herring run

This has been a bit of a downer week.  My patients have been complex and difficult to help and the weather has been gloomy.  You know those days that you wake up and just want to crawl right back in bed, the sky is gray it seems to say maybe we should just be weepy together.  I've had a few of those this week.  Luckily through some good shed tears, I've been able to prayerfully seek answers and have felt the tender mercy of our heavenly father giving me little rays of sunshine through the gloomy clouds.  One of those rays is actually this blog.  As I was thinking about what to write and browsing through pictures I remembered the fun we just had going to the park and flying kites, seeing the herring run, and walking by the shore.  The cloudy days will come but if we look for the sun we'll see it peeping through the clouds.

What little rays have you seen today?

I am really trying to focus on commenting on the positive things my kids say and do.  I know people always talk about the "dreaded teenage years."  Somehow as a parent I thought I would be better than all that, enjoy the growth and development, try to see it from a fresh perspective.  I talk in the office about comparing a teen to a toddler only instead of learning to walk and talk they are learning how to be an adult.  I just never realized how much some individuals don't want to be adults, they want all the privileges but none of the responsibility or consequence.  At least with a toddler you can pick them up and put them in their crib for time out; having your teenager follow you around the house pointing out all the flaws in your character is just not what I had planned.  Shortly thereafter the same lovely teen wanted all my attention to tell me about their day as if they had not just treated me as their own emotional punching bag.

While my kids are learning to be adults, I am learning much, much more about unconditional love and self control.  I am backing away from pointing out their flaws and giving them praise for anything good I catch them doing.  I'm happy I'm learning to be a glass half full person by always looking for the good - certainly not easy to do all day but it's nice to pick up each new day and start again - it's also opened my eyes to how I see myself.  I am always looking at how I can do better and improve but as I look at things to praise about my kids, I have started to give myself a pat on the back here or there and realized I am quite successful at what I do and I don't always need to focus on the next step but sometimes take joy in the current success (like getting out of bed this morning hee hee).

So here's to hoping you have some little rays of light in your day and you can grasp for the positives.

HAPPY EASTER

It turned out to be such a lovely weekend.

The kids and I both had a 3 day weekend which was very nice.

We had a good balance of getting things done around the house, spending time together as a family, enjoying the outdoors, hanging with friends, and having some down time.

We were able to have some friends over to color eggs.  We got a little artistic before and after coloring.

We also had a lot of fun making deviled eggs after the coloring was done.

The kids enjoyed hanging out
on wheels, bikes, motorcycles, scooters and roller blades

The kids have some interesting ways to pass the time.  We had some ice floating on the top of the pool cover - stuart adjusted the cover and gave some big pieces to the kids.  They spent the afternoon making ice sculptures with hammer and chisel - they are so funny.

I think I can certainly learn from them, how to have simple fun, be
creative and just enjoy the moments you have - aww sweet young minds.

Spring time fun

Although we did have another snow day this week (don't get me started), for the most part the weather has been lovely.

We've been able to go to the pond a couple times already and we ventured further to a place on the river.

As we were walking along, Kyler saw some fish swimming upstream so we took a closer look and the Herring were running.  It was fun to watch them swimming upstream  - there was a board telling how they swim all the way from the ocean to the headwaters to leave their eggs.  Nature is so awesome.

We found a turtle - brought him home to show Stuart and then heard for 3 days about the evils of parents that don't let children keep animals from the wild.  He was a cute guy.

I can't believe we have been here long enough that I am looking forward to certain things.  I am looking forward to the 4th of July on the beach, the walks along the plimouth shoreline and the evening baseball games.

I can't believe how much we've changed in a year.  I feel domesticated, Kyler has chilled out, Adderly is becoming such a sweet young woman and McKye is growing into a little man.  I am so thankful for all the blessings I enjoy.  At this time of year the renewal just lifts my spirits and I am thankful once again for the seasons and the change we get to see not only around us but in us.