tough love

What is tough love?  Is that simply a term we adults use to say we get our children to mind but do so in a way that we claim it is for their own good.  Or is it a way for others to judge us and tell us if we truly loved our kids we would intervene.
    You know I'm not sure, but I think it means it's not so much touch on the kids but actually tough on us.  I have watched my now 8 year old and the art of crying for nye on 5 years.  If his brother so much as gets within a foot he can start the tears flowing and make up an excuse that his brother has hit, pinched, or kicked him somewhere - even when not true.  So does a crying toddler in his bed know what he is doing.  Is it conscious or subconscious.  Are they really upset or is crying just a form of communication.  If your 2 year old yells at you to get back in their room right now - would you or would you promptly tell him he may not talk to you that way.
    From the beginning of early infancy crying is not sadness but a form of communication - probably not really linked much with an emotional state at all - then on into the school years crying is mostly out of physical pain (aside from my coercive 8 year old), then teenage years it's almost all emotional pain.
     So back to tough love, is it that we are being tough on our kids, or is what we have to do tough on our own emotional state.  It is most certainly not easy to listen to your child cry for hours on end as you are trying to teach him to sleep.  As with all things in my medical career I weight the risks and benefits of treating versus not treating.
    Not treating - benefits - child quickly falls to sleep with bottle, rocking etc.  Risks: child does not learn to self soothe, gets less quality sleep - if with bottle - may get dental caries - learns further manipulation of parents, parents get poor sleep and have less reserve to deal with now tired child.
    Treating: benefits, the opposite of the above, child learns parents mean it when they say it, learns to self soothe - quality sleep.  Risks: child cries for hours on end, parents are frustrated (although only for a short time). Parents feel they are forever scarring their child.

So Tough love I think means it is tough for parents to step back from their own needs and reactions to truly view the needs of their child not in a now sense but in the long run.  We don't want to see our children in pain, but by preventing pain early on we may ensue pain at a later date.
   

What is happiness?

     I've recently been asking myself this a lot.  In my head it seems like I should be happy.  I have a nice home, a stable job, 3 beautiful children and yet lately I have been feeling rather depressed.  Interestingly in the last few weeks I have received several comments praising certain aspects of my life and yet I still don't feel "happy" inside.  This has led me to question what is happiness, what brings happiness.  I thought the praise of others might be enough; but alas, I still feel empty.  Wealth? Nope doing great, have plenty of money, plenty of "things" and yet not satisfied.  What brings peace, happiness, fulfillment.
     Maybe it is different for everyone, what we aspire for and when we feel of worth but I've found for myself, my happiness can only come from inside. No matter how much praise I get, it is like a drug - makes me feel good for a few seconds but then gone and doesn't last.  I feel at peace when I am living up to the beliefs I hold inside.  When I am me, I feel good.  When I conform to the views or opinions of another, when I am untrue to myself, nothing can bring back that sense of belonging and for me belonging in my own skin is my sense of happiness.
    So in order to live true to myself I must first know who I am.  I am a child of God, I was sent to this earth with a purpose.  I am loyal and kind.  While not a woman of many friends, I will remain a true friend to the end.  I am a nurturer, a person who cares for the well being of others, both spiritually, mentally and physically.  I am a peacemaker, I like to find solutions, resolve issues, avoid contention and concede a point to allow peace to reign.  I am a hardworker, willing to put in long hours for what I find important.  I am thoughtful in deed and in mind, thoughtful towards others, and thoughtful in reasoning.   I am a lover of knowledge.  I am quick to act and respond.  I am quick to perceive.
     When I don't act in accordance with who I am, I find myself unhappy.  When I don't care for others but gossip or judge, I am less than who I am.  When I don't give my all at work or home I know I am capable of more.  When I hold friendships light and don't keep up I am not at peace with who I am
So what makes you happy?
 

I believe in me

We were having a discussion about beliefs and what kind of things we believe in, some small some big.  My friend said, "I believe in myself."  She didn't mean it like she thought she was great, but that she believes that she has a purpose and that she is capable of doing good things.  When we get to heaven will we be able to say I did my best, I was me and I was true to myself.  Or will I have to explain why I wasn't me.  So I don't want to be asked - why weren't you you, why did you try to conform to someone else's viewpoint, why didn't you use all the gifts I gave you.  

     The problem with the above is this: I think it is hard to know who I am.  There are things that define me, but aren't really me - I am a doctor, I am a mother but these are hats I wear they aren't my core, they aren't me.  So I have set off this week to find out what I believe in and a little more about who I am.  I feel like if I know who I am and I am true to that I don't need to feel guilty for all the little things outside of me, and I don't have to be embarrassed or sad if someone disagrees with my opinion or viewpoint (that doesn't give me license to be rude to someone else's viewpoint), but I don't need to take it personally.  So often we compare ourselves to others, but why - why aren't we good enough who we are.  We should constantly be striving to improve ourselves, better the me that's already inside, but not change to be someone else.  I'm an introspective philosopher not a talker, I like small groups not large amounts of people.  What can I do in this realm (have more one on one chats, develop loyal friendships) what about me can I believe in and excel at.  

     This is not to say that if I like to yell I should go ahead and yell we have both positive and negative personality traits but when we learn what those traits are, I think we are then more free to use them, improve them and judge only ourselves, not others and not let others judgement effect us.  So you may here what I believe about myself through the remainder of the week - I hope it inspires you to think of you and not to think I am full of myself or that you need to be more like me - Just be more like you.

The Plan

I've sat down to blog several times and got interrupted each time, which is probably good because I have had time to wrap my brain around the happenings in my life.  On the 31st I went to see a patient that was dying.  A sweet 8 year old soul that was ready to return to her father in heaven.  Her body has been handicapped since birth and she has needed all her daily cares given by someone else.  As her sweet spirit was preparing to go home, I felt so blessed to be included and a part of this special time.  I was also feeling especially blessed that I have an understanding of the plan of salvation.  I know without a doubt that we lived before we came here to earth and that our existence extends beyond the grave after death.  As I sat in the room with this little girl I felt it was hallowed ground, a place of reverence.  I knew that she was going home, the should and the body seemed to be almost separate and I knew her time was short.
     Shortly after her passing I was called to see a newborn baby and again the holy ghost whispered the assurance of the plan of salvation - we are God's children, we have  purpose on this earth and then we return to live with him again.  The sadness of this life is left behind as we move forward into the next.  I hope that I can be more try to myself that I can become all God wants me to be.  I fall short so often but I keep trying.  Maybe I don't endure it well but I keep pushing forward.  I am subject to pain frustration, anger and disappointment but I am also blessed to see the good, give others the advantage of the doubt - I know I can choose to stand in the light.