Yoked equally with the Lord

As I was kneeling in morning prayer, I was thinking about the last week, the last month, the last few months, and marveling at the the amount of change in that time.  I have been on and off not writing in this blog because I have been having a lot of negative emotions.  I have been having a difficult time finding purpose right now.  There are some days I feel like I just go through the motions of life - make breakfast, take care of patients, take care of kids, homework, bed.  I don't feel like my heart is in it.  As I was reviewing the past several months in my mind I realized how much truly has changed. I am more comfortable in my surroundings, we have come to find a new routine (some of our favorite friends and activities still seem to be missing from that routine), but I am finding more balance and peace.  I have yet to understand why we needed to move and that is frustrating to me.

I have always looked on trials as a way to grow, but I know I've not really had any significant trials.  I feel like this is one and I wonder if I am responding as well as I had wished to the growing opportunities.  I feel like I am trying my hardest to do my best even though I'm not sure of the hows and whys, and in the moment I was thinking of doing my best - I realized why I am so frustrated... because I am focused on doing MY best, I haven't thought to yoke myself equally with the Lord.  I am a stubborn oxen pulling as hard as I can to lift/move a load that is frankly just too big for me.  I need a strong oxen next to me to pull much more than I could and basically to lead in the direction I need to go.


I still need to pull (I don't want to be drug along the trail mind you) but I need to let go of the control freak side and let my heart open so I can allow the Savior's grace and power to make all my efforts stronger.  At this time of year as we focus on Christ it is grand to think of all he has done, is doing and will do for us.  I feel his love as we study, but frankly it is much easier for me to think about his love than allow him to actually take the reins and lead and guide.  I like to think of the peace and comfort he gives, but somehow I still want to do things my way and pull my own load.  So I know I won't be perfect, but I am going to try to allow the Lord to be equally yoked today - I will try to listen to the still small voice and not do things my way but his way ... just for today.