Questions

While being fortified with the knowledge that we now had a plan to move forward with, there were still many questions.  At first, it seemed somewhat exciting looking into new jobs and new communities to live, but I quickly became overwhelmed.  While I felt a strong pull towards the north east/New England area, I had no direction to any certain state and certainly not any certain city.  It took a great deal of studying it out in my mind and then going to the lord in prayer.  I looked at over 20 jobs, locations, schools, crime.  I am grateful to the internet for the ability to make this all so much easier; and yet, I still was at a loss in narrowing down the search.

Over the upcoming days/weeks a few jobs didn't get back to me and there were several areas I knew weren't right.

As is frequently the case in my life, I wanted to control the helm - yes I was willing for God to tell me where to go but then I wanted to take the wheel back and just follow in GPS style.  The Lord had more to teach me about letting him take the wheel.  I started to get frustrated and impatient - I seemed to be as a child whining at their parents for something they wanted, but couldn't yet have.  I felt like I was pestering the Lord with my petitions - over and over I would pray - where should we go, where should we go.

Again on the drive to work (I like thinking in the car and the views to and from work are so beautiful I feel my spirit opening up at this time of day.)  So as I drove to work, I was frustrated; again looking out over the mountain and horizon everything was clear - no inversion or smog to block the view.  I realized my view had been clouded, that I was viewing this decision as if I didn't know what to do and I was going about it from the wrong perspective.

I knew we needed to be in the New England area and I started reviewing in my mind the places I knew we should not go.  I quickly realized that by looking at what we shouldn't do and not what we should that the Lord was indeed answering my petitions.  Of the 13 original colonies there were about 6 that were for sure not it and about 3 that didn't seem bad but didn't seem good.  That left us with only 3 or 4 states to focus are search.

I learned about timing, patience, love and most of all perspective.  While I still didn't have an exact place to go, I knew we were learning from the Lord and I needed to put things back in his control.

Tomorrow: Answers

Revelation

As we began looking at houses in the surrounding cities I had an increasingly unsettling feeling that my initial impression was not leading to these areas.  We spent a fair amount of time in prayer and I felt a fogginess regarding our decision.  As I was driving to work, I came over the hill overlooking the great salt lake and as I gazed over the mountains and beautiful scenery I had the realization that I wouldn't be seeing this view on a regular basis for a long time.  As if someone were sitting with me in my car telling me what to do, I knew we were going to be moving far away from home.

Although scared at this thought, their was a peace that seemed to settle over my mind and soul as I accepted it for truth.  I continued to work, called my husband as soon as I got into the office.  I told him what I had just experienced and that I felt we were going to be moving to the New England area - again as I related the experience to my husband the peaceful assurance that this was the path our lives needed to take overtook me.

I started looking for jobs in the New England area and called a couple of recruiters to help with my search.

Tomorrow: Questions

Change

Over the last several months our family has had somewhat of a trial, but a huge chance for learning and growth.  As I was thinking about all that has happened, I realized I haven't journaled/blogged about it and I should have.  So this won't be as good in retrospect as in the moment but I'm going to take the week to blog in steps about what has been going on.  

Summer 2014

Complacency

I have always placed a huge focus on learning and growing.  As a person I want to improve, I need to constantly be studying for work, during my long school years I of course wanted the best grades, and during residency I tried to absorb and process as much knowledge as I could.  Slowly after I started practicing medicine, I know longer had a measuring stick to measure the success of this growth - especially in regards to school.  No more tests to study for, no more reviews from colleagues - At first I was rather elated.  Yippee I thought, no more tests no more awkward meetings with superiors to discuss my progress.  But from the yippee grew complacency.  This summer I found myself not quite being myself.  Things I had once valued didn't seem to be getting the time and attention they used to, I was retreating into myself (funny I just read my last post and it brought this situation/trial full circle as I realized where it all started), I didn't seem to be as selfless, caring and I was focused on outward things - like possessions, more than I had ever been before.  

Now this may sound weird, but I actually started praying for a trial.  We had a lesson in sunday school about trials and how they are for our growth and I felt I was at least stagnant and scarily maybe even slipping backwards - allowing old habits or weaknesses to surface and not progressing as I wished.  I prayed that I would have something happen to help me focus on the things I value most, and allow for the personal growth I was seeking.  

As my husband and I were attending the temple I had a soft but firm impression that we should move.  Now if you know me and my house, I love it - we have added on - I designed it myself and put so many personal touches to it - the idea of moving seemed absurd.  My garden, my home, my sunroom.  So I somewhat dismissed the idea - but as we were driving home, told my husband about my impression.  He told me he had felt the same thing.  

We went home, called a relator and started looking for homes in a few of the surrounding cities.  Although unexpected this seemed like an exciting chance for change and a possibility of getting to know others - we were kind of excited - this was not the trial I had prayed for but an exciting opportunity.  This opportunity grew and flourished over the next few days/weeks - 

Tomorrow: revelation