Lazy days

Well just lazy days.  No introspections or wonderings.

Lazy days: Kyler fell asleep in the pool

I sent the 2 oldest off to Utah and now just have some quiet time with McKye and Stuart.  I'm excited to head to the Dominican Republic - we're going to go there for a week with Addie and Kyler to help in a medical clinic.  Things are starting to settle down here - we moved to our new home, started a new computer program at work and now are getting back into a routine.  I like some lazy time, but I have been slacking a bit on spiritual things as well as physical fitness.  It's funny how life ebbs and flows (alright some introspection after all).  There are times everything just seems to fit together - we're on top of everything and then other times we look back and wonder OH MY... what happened.  I've been so exhausted with computer templates that I haven't just sat and pondered, read my scriptures, or done my yoga - but as I sit writing it down I'm getting renewed energy to make a change and start again.
So thanks world wide web for letting my blog and reinvent myself day by day.
Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to start it off right - no regrets just moving forward
What are you going to reinvent?

Baby bird found and took to local animal care center

Summer time

Mother's day - Addie style

Well I am appalled at myself for lack of writing.  I think i was going on a rebellious streak - not doing anything I felt I needed to and everything I wanted to - that and we decided to move again.  Decision making should get easier with time, but when you have 5 people in a family trying to make the best choices for all of them does get a little tricky.
Kyler found a great high school program for academics but unfortunately was not doing well from a social standpoint - a lot of kids that just weren't making great life choices and a developmental stage for questioning didn't bode well.  We were also spending a lot of time driving to activities, friends etc... that seemed like it would be better spent together.  All in all we found a great location with close friends, a beautiful pool and balanced school but it did require searching, pondering and a lot of work to move.  I feel bad making Addie change schools twice in 3 years but she has been a trooper, a little miffed here and there but overall doing well.

The pinewood derby

I have been proud of all 3 of my kids.  Kyler has his struggles but is really starting to come into his own and I think recognize the places he needs to make changes - his self control has improved leaps and bounds over the last 8 months.

Adderly is just a beautiful young lady.  She always wants to include others, she is a bit particular in the way she likes things to turn out, but she works hard, smiles, plans and is just becoming one of my best friends.

The kids playing with the Snells where we lived for 5 weeks waiting for our home

McKye is still my fun guy.  He went through a bit of a whiny period and big changes as he went from stay at home dad to both parents working but he has weathered it well and is becoming his own little man.

I love the joy of seeing them grow and change.  I'm not always as patient as I could be, I have to step back a lot and let go to allow them their own growing space, but all in all I am so grateful to be a mother and have the opportunity to watch them grow.

Roots

So we are back at home for Christmas.  We had family come out over the summer, but we haven't been home for just over 18 months.  We've been able to see both family friends, and even just old acquaintances and of course that has sparked some introspection.

Our kids have now entered the teen years and as they try to decide who they want to be it is prime time to assess where we are individually as parents, people, brothers, sisters etc... Sometimes in life you can feel so disconnected to others - a simple smile or a wave may sometimes make a big difference, but at times we may not even have these small acknowledgments of others.

Coming home, back to my roots has reminded me of the connection we have with others - no matter the distance.  It reminds me of who I am, where I am headed, my goals, dreams, and aspirations.  Everyone has their own personality, their own way of doing things and yet as I mentioned in a past post, I feel like we are an accumulation of so many interactions throughout our lives.  As we have gone from home to home each runs a little differently, is decorated different and with each unique home our lives are just as unique with thoughts, feelings ad hopes all our own.

I feel like I have just been recharged - ready to do my best, to connect with others all around me from big to small, old to young, best friends or meer acquaintance.  I'm excited to start the New Year fully recharged with goals and plans and most importantly dreams - they may and really probably should never come true, but to have far out fantasies is sometimes just as important as the goals and plans one can accomplish.

I am thankful for the opportunity our Heavenly Father afforded us to be with family again, I was able to talk to almost all of my siblings one on one and see them just a little more and understand them just a little better, I am thankful for all my heavenly father has given me and am excited about the prospects of a new year with all it's upcoming joy.

Trusting yourself

Sauchek Farm Halloween Fun

Just reviewing my last posts and wondering why it has been so long since I have written.  I think I tend to write to the blogosphere when I have my head on straight, and not when I'm in the midst of discovery or mental/emotional storms.  It seems I have to go through the thinking, contemplating part and then when I have it figured out again I can share with the world.  So the last few months have honestly just been downers.  Maybe a contrast from this great summer when we had family and fun, or maybe getting back to responsibilities of work and school.
I now have 2 teenage children, and an adorable little preteen and the challenges coming with them as they discover who they are, who they want to be all in the midst of what others want or think of them had me second guessing myself A LOT.  I had this view of myself as a mother and it seemed to be crumbling as my oldest son seemed to disagree with every thing I said.  I think he would honestly argue the color of the sky with me.  As a mother I have always been fairly confident and able to parent with firm love, but I was confused as to how much to let him decide, how much I should decide.  I can't believe how much self discovery a 30 something year old mother can go through as she thinks about all the whys and reasons she does things.  I have to say this has been a huge testimony building time as all the values I hold come into question either in my own mind or by my son.  Why do we do that, why not that.  So much of my world has been firm and steady since my early college years.  I made commitments and promises to my heavenly father at that time and have spend the last 15/20 years following the guidance of the holy ghost but for some reason when it came to parenting my teenage son, I threw it all out the window.  I was asking him how he felt instead of trusting in my gut.

Cranberry festival

Sadly I must say this sort of filtered into all aspects of my life.  I've been second guessing decisions at work, my life decisions, even simple things like what to do with my day.  I feel like I have been going through the daily motions of living but not fully living or grasping the moment, like everything has been just a little less bright.  I have been reading my scriptures more consistently and with more fervor, and spending more time in prayer.  This morning because I was sick I spent time just sitting/lying around and had so many impressions.  You don't realize how shut off you are until you open your heart and feel such peace and joy.  I had to laugh at myself as I realized how silly I've been.  I know what I'm doing, I can trust myself and my heavenly father.  He knows my children and right now more importantly so do I.  I don't need to be walking on eggshells that I might make one of them mad, I know what they need and with love can provide an atmosphere where they can learn and grow.  

I was recently speaking with a friend and she mentioned learning to trust herself.  I thought I had done that, but I guess I needed a little re- self discovery as I learned to trust myself again.  

So what decisions do you have today that you are second guessing and how can you show yourself greater love and trust?  If you haven't yet learned to trust yourself - make a firm decision and rejoice in the outcome turning out well, build on what you already know.

Supergirl

I know some of you are wondering if I'm still alive - yes - indeed.  This summer was so crazy - a good crazy.  We had visitors for over 3 weeks, Kyler went to Utah for 3 weeks, we went to Iceland and then school starting back up and trying to get back into routine - well I just forgot to write.

Pictures of iceland for this blog - will catch up with other summer photos later.

I have sooooo needed to though.  My mind has been so full.  I had so much to do one day I started writing a list but instead of finishing the list my mind just seemed to be spinning so I wrote it out like I felt it was happening in my head - whatever "to do" popped in my head I wrote it in a random place on the paper and when I saw all the words all over in a mess on the paper I realized how scattered my thoughts had become.  I look forward to this blog to organize those thoughts, to rein them in.  

As I was thinking this morning, wisdom came from the strangest place.  The kids and I have been watching super girl - strong and brave like superman, but a lot of the episodes focus on kindness, hope, and love.  

I have been struggling with the do's and don'ts of the teenage years.  Wanting to let them expand their wings but so scared that they may fall.  My job doesn't lend itself to a lot of trust in the teenage department, as I see the ramifications of the oopses.  In this episode of Super Girl the world is about to end because the human race is so full of fear that they are easily overcome and controlled - Super Girl sends out a broadcast of hope and in doing so releases them all from the debilitating mind control.  As this scene replayed itself in my head this morning, I couldn't help think this is what Jesus does for us.  We are sometimes lost and afraid, we don't know what to do and we can be controlled by our fear instead, but when we look to Christ he fills our life with light and hope.  Sometimes I focus so much on my to do list that I lose the sweet music of the gospel of christ - I don't live with just a hope of a better future but a hope in Christ that he knows me, he knows my children, he loves us and in the grand scheme of things everything is going to be okay.  I was maybe stuck in a little teenage rut of development myself, living in my mind short sightedly instead of seeing things from a more eternal perspective.  These years are but a small moment and here for our benefit so we can learn and grow.  I realized that my "parenting style" had become so full of the fears and the negative what ifs that I was missing out on the hope and love.  I can embrace now as a moment to learn, to laugh, to share, and to hope through Christ for a better future.  

I am determined today to enjoy the relationships in my path - to spend time connecting to those around me and not be ruled by to do's, what ifs or worries.  The future is bright, all shall be well.

I hope you all have a great day too, that you can find whatever message of hope you need to push forward with a steadfastness of faith and love.

Memories

Today is our 17th wedding anniversary.  For those celebrating their 30th or 40th this may still feel like young love, but for some reason this year has just hit me how long we have been together.  This fact led me to some reminiscing this morning and then I was cleaning out a cabinet and came across old school notes from as far back as 7th grade.  It made me realize how many people have been a part of making me who I am.  While we are all unique I feel like we are the sum of all sorts of small connections and interactions that we've had over the years.  While I sometimes look back on some of the parts or decisions of my life with some sadness or regret I'm thankful for them all as they have made me who I am.

I can sometimes laugh at myself for the "depth" of my emotion - my "emo" tendencies so to speak, my tendency to sit and reminisce like this morning, but I'm also crazy, goofy, dance around the house, smile for no reason, accept everyone for who they are, splash in the sand and ocean, climb a rock wall, push to win, hold a baby tight, pieces of all my friends, family, and acquaintances.

Some of you have been more briefly in my life than others, some stronger influences, but I am me because of you.

Thanks to Billie, Krissta (KAB), Missy, Whitney, Callie, Heather, Lisa, Michael, Justin, Jayson, Ted,
Joshua, Kelly, Blaine, Laramy, Lorinda, Chelsea, Jessi, Cindy, Doug, Letha, Lincoln, Sally, Bill, Jenny, Tina, Randy, Doug, Tessa, Connie, Pat, Eddie, Ronald, Mia, Ricky, Rindy, Lou Ann, Harold, Dianna, Shawn, Shanna, Chad, Ryan, Jenny, Dallin, Karissa, Devin, Tina, Kat, Connie, Streator, Stacy, Stephanie, Scott, Nick, Mike and Megan, Phong, Cameo, Mike, Russ and Jessica, Tisha and Dave, Ross and Eden, Mike, Leah, Mhari, Evan and Cheryl, Lauren and Gordan, Jessica and James, Catherine and Kent, Becca, Nathan, James, Tanner, Jeff and Gail, Diane and Corbin, Heidi and Lindsey, to all those I haven't mentioned but who filter through my thoughts and heart.

No matter where I go in life, no matter if our paths cross again, if we keep in touch a little, a lot, or not at all - - You are all in my heart and soul as pieces of who I am
Thank you for all you've done, for your love, your personalities, your uniqueness, your connection.


To the human family - to all those that I've met and all those I've yet to meet
Love and Thanks

To my husband who will share this journey with me in a capacity and duration that no one else can match, I love you not just for all the good, but for all - all we have been through, all we will yet go through, all that has shaped us and made us who we are, may we continue through the refiners fire to become all we are capable of

Nisha

SUMMER!!!

So my last post I wrote knowing that I would be busy the first part of the summer so I thought I would write early and then post it to keep up - well then I forgot to post it, so back to back posts this week hee hee.

So summer aww summer, I mean who doesn't love the season really.  Fresh fruit, parades, good weather and in my case... FAMILY.

So my parents and Tanner (Kyler's best friend) came out to visit for 2 whole weeks.  It was such a lovely visit I feel so recharged.  We went to waterfalls in NH, a seaport in Rhode island, visited the plymouth sites regarding the pilgrims and had down time for some of our favorite activities - i.e. cape cod baseball and ICE CREAM.

I've been back to work for a week now and I can't believe how fast time goes.  the first day back was of course busy - that's what happens when you're away for a couple of weeks, the following 2 days were busy as well, and I got out late, I had 7 days straight to work but through it all I was still just chill - I think the vacation was well needed.  I feel like I am connecting better with my patients and realize I just needed a little bit of rest.  I really love what I do.  I had a number of one year visits this past week and I just can't believe I've been here long enough to have my patient panel growing up.  I love watching the change in not only the baby, but the parents as they go from that precious newborn baby to the toddling one year old.
As I am struggling to redefine my role in my teenagers lives, I love having that weekly reminder of my own growth throughout their lives - it seems like just a moment ago they were handing me Kyler for the first time - 21 hrs of labor and an emergency c section later what a precious gift.  I love the uniqueness of each of my children, but Kyler holds so many firsts.  First baby, first foods, first walker, now we're moving on to first girlfriend, first time he's held hands - I'm quite nervous about the first break up but realize life continues on for all of us.

It's so fun having teenagers - through all the challenges it is so funny but I feel like I am working through some of my own teenage awkwardness - some of the things I may have pushed under the rug, feelings that I didn't know how to work through in my immature self I am embracing and laughing at now.  As Kyler is starting in with several of his firsts I have reflected back and drudged up memories that I well didn't remember.  I have thought of things in a different light.  Along my "teenage career" I had developed a sense of regret, missed opportunities and lost friendships, but thinking back has allowed me the opportunity to remember all of the fun things, all of the good friendships.  Really - my life is just so good, it is hard to believe the amount of blessings I have received, I see the Lord's hand in each step.  When I get caught up in the moment I can be scared, angry, or frustrated but when I put on the glasses of remembrance I realize how often I have felt our heavenly father near.  I am so grateful for my knowledge of the plan of salvation, that there is meaning to this life and purpose beyond our own meager interests and the moment.

I love this beautiful summer weather to sit out early int he morning, late at night, listen to the birds sing, watch the fireflies and revel in our existence.
So when you're caught up with the negative - pull out your glasses of remembrance - think of all those great times you had with friends, family, yourself, take a little time to sit in nature and remember how much you are loved