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| Sauchek Farm Halloween Fun |
Just reviewing my last posts and wondering why it has been so long since I have written. I think I tend to write to the blogosphere when I have my head on straight, and not when I'm in the midst of discovery or mental/emotional storms. It seems I have to go through the thinking, contemplating part and then when I have it figured out again I can share with the world. So the last few months have honestly just been downers. Maybe a contrast from this great summer when we had family and fun, or maybe getting back to responsibilities of work and school.
I now have 2 teenage children, and an adorable little preteen and the challenges coming with them as they discover who they are, who they want to be all in the midst of what others want or think of them had me second guessing myself A LOT. I had this view of myself as a mother and it seemed to be crumbling as my oldest son seemed to disagree with every thing I said. I think he would honestly argue the color of the sky with me. As a mother I have always been fairly confident and able to parent with firm love, but I was confused as to how much to let him decide, how much I should decide. I can't believe how much self discovery a 30 something year old mother can go through as she thinks about all the whys and reasons she does things. I have to say this has been a huge testimony building time as all the values I hold come into question either in my own mind or by my son. Why do we do that, why not that. So much of my world has been firm and steady since my early college years. I made commitments and promises to my heavenly father at that time and have spend the last 15/20 years following the guidance of the holy ghost but for some reason when it came to parenting my teenage son, I threw it all out the window. I was asking him how he felt instead of trusting in my gut.
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| Cranberry festival |
Sadly I must say this sort of filtered into all aspects of my life. I've been second guessing decisions at work, my life decisions, even simple things like what to do with my day. I feel like I have been going through the daily motions of living but not fully living or grasping the moment, like everything has been just a little less bright. I have been reading my scriptures more consistently and with more fervor, and spending more time in prayer. This morning because I was sick I spent time just sitting/lying around and had so many impressions. You don't realize how shut off you are until you open your heart and feel such peace and joy. I had to laugh at myself as I realized how silly I've been. I know what I'm doing, I can trust myself and my heavenly father. He knows my children and right now more importantly so do I. I don't need to be walking on eggshells that I might make one of them mad, I know what they need and with love can provide an atmosphere where they can learn and grow.
I was recently speaking with a friend and she mentioned learning to trust herself. I thought I had done that, but I guess I needed a little re- self discovery as I learned to trust myself again.
So what decisions do you have today that you are second guessing and how can you show yourself greater love and trust? If you haven't yet learned to trust yourself - make a firm decision and rejoice in the outcome turning out well, build on what you already know.
I now have 2 teenage children, and an adorable little preteen and the challenges coming with them as they discover who they are, who they want to be all in the midst of what others want or think of them had me second guessing myself A LOT. I had this view of myself as a mother and it seemed to be crumbling as my oldest son seemed to disagree with every thing I said. I think he would honestly argue the color of the sky with me. As a mother I have always been fairly confident and able to parent with firm love, but I was confused as to how much to let him decide, how much I should decide. I can't believe how much self discovery a 30 something year old mother can go through as she thinks about all the whys and reasons she does things. I have to say this has been a huge testimony building time as all the values I hold come into question either in my own mind or by my son. Why do we do that, why not that. So much of my world has been firm and steady since my early college years. I made commitments and promises to my heavenly father at that time and have spend the last 15/20 years following the guidance of the holy ghost but for some reason when it came to parenting my teenage son, I threw it all out the window. I was asking him how he felt instead of trusting in my gut. 
Sadly I must say this sort of filtered into all aspects of my life. I've been second guessing decisions at work, my life decisions, even simple things like what to do with my day. I feel like I have been going through the daily motions of living but not fully living or grasping the moment, like everything has been just a little less bright. I have been reading my scriptures more consistently and with more fervor, and spending more time in prayer. This morning because I was sick I spent time just sitting/lying around and had so many impressions. You don't realize how shut off you are until you open your heart and feel such peace and joy. I had to laugh at myself as I realized how silly I've been. I know what I'm doing, I can trust myself and my heavenly father. He knows my children and right now more importantly so do I. I don't need to be walking on eggshells that I might make one of them mad, I know what they need and with love can provide an atmosphere where they can learn and grow. 
