Over time, I've come to think of myself as rather deep. I like to delve into the workings of the human mind and fancy myself an amateur philosopher. While this can sometimes is a strength - I try to see things from other's perspectives and not my limited own experience, this introspective philosopher characteristic can also be a weakness. While it's great to explore the world of feelings, emotions, perspective; it's also important to live in the world and talk to others. When you only talk to yourself, you can imagine different ways of thinking, but when you actually talk to others you realize or come to more fully understand those ways of thinking. Lately I have withdrawing more and more into myself, but I have found I've become a little self absorbed in doing so. Yes I am rifling through my internal filing cabinet about the things I like, don't like, but what about others. I'm not quite making connections, even with my family I am outwardly doing things with them but the connection is not there. I find it hard to open up to others but am coming to realize the importance balance of this as well.
So today I am going to listen more fully and get others views on the world instead of retreating into my own mind.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
I found my laugh.
I found my laugh. The last few weeks have been kind of crazy and a little stressful to say the least. I have felt a sense of unease/unrest/anxiety. With this unease I have slipped into a rote, to do least kind of attitude. Play with my kids - check, say my prayers - check etc... Last night for halloween my family came over, as we were playing games I started laughing - the stress melted away and I feel like I am now ready to give myself back to the world, not just with to do list behaviors but open heartfelt ways.
So why all the stress anyway?
Well about a month ago I had the strangest weekend. All weekend I felt like something big was coming. Nothing bad, but I had this sense that my family's life was going to change. I went to work on the following monday and was telling my MA's about the feeling, and we were kind of guessing what it could be. I knew it wasn't necessarily something bad, but felt like something big.
Later in the week my husband and I went to the Ogden Temple. It had been rededicated and we were super excited to go - as we were sitting in the temple I had the feeling that we were supposed to move. - Now let me tell you, we have contemplated this before - looked at houses, looked at areas and yet it never felt right - so we went forward with an addition to our home. We spent a lot of time, energy, and no small amount of money on our custom addition and I love it. So back to the story. I felt like we needed to move. I shrugged the thought off - but as I was talking to my husband on the way home, he had the same feeling. I called a realtor to see about putting our home on the market and then started looking at homes in the surrounding communities. The feeling - turned to action still felt right. As we were looking at places to live and toying with the idea of the move, my father mentioned there was a job opening in Heber city.
I've always wanted to live in a smaller town and I mostly flippantly told Stuart later that night - hey if we're going to move maybe we can move to a whole new area. Outlandish for a pediatrician - as that would mean starting all over, getting to know patients and establishing a new business. As we went throughout the week, the thought wouldn't leave my mind - maybe move somewhere else. As I was driving to work, the sun just peeking over the mountain and illuminating the valley below, my thoughts seemed to no longer be my own. I had a strong impression that we needed to move back east. The feeling/thoughts were so strong that I called my husband the minute I got to my office. I told him about the thoughts/feelings. As I spoke, the impressions were confirmed in my mind - I knew it was time for us to move, and not to move somewhere close. I told my husband - "I think we're supposed to move, and I think we're supposed to move to vermont." As the words left my mouth the spirit in my office was tangible, my heart was at such peace and I knew we were being led. I asked my husband to pray about it that day and we would talk about it that night.
As we talked in the evening he related his experience throughout the day and confirmed the same impressions I had. As I started looking for jobs in the new england area, the peace started to drift and the terror set in. How could I pick up my family and move to an area I'd never really been. I love my job, my partners, my patients, why would I leave such a good thing. Each time I had a "freak out" morning I would get back on my knees and ask my heavenly father what was the most important thing for me to do that day and I would do it. Again the feeling of peace slowly faded and I started to doubt that I had ever received such a crazy thought - thus the numbing to do list set in within the last couple of weeks.
As I was lying in bed this morning; after I found my laugh last night, I realized I needed to write my experience down; one, to share with others; but mostly to remind myself of the peace and the love I felt that first day I knew we were supposed to begin a new adventure. I know as I re read this words, I can return to the peace and love of that moment. These words will act as a light in the dark as we move forward not fully comprehending the reasons we are being led to another area, but trusting in the hand of God to move us forward and bring us greater understanding along this journey.
So for this moment at least, I am at peace with myself and the world around me, we will move forward one step at a time. I will continue to laugh and put away my to do list mentality and fully immerse myself in each moment of the day.
Surely this feeling will pass, but I know that now it is written down, I can return to these feelings again for reassurance as we move into the future - unclear as it may be
Thanks again for listening and allowing me to put my thoughts out into the world, wherever they may go through cyberspace
So why all the stress anyway?
Well about a month ago I had the strangest weekend. All weekend I felt like something big was coming. Nothing bad, but I had this sense that my family's life was going to change. I went to work on the following monday and was telling my MA's about the feeling, and we were kind of guessing what it could be. I knew it wasn't necessarily something bad, but felt like something big.
Later in the week my husband and I went to the Ogden Temple. It had been rededicated and we were super excited to go - as we were sitting in the temple I had the feeling that we were supposed to move. - Now let me tell you, we have contemplated this before - looked at houses, looked at areas and yet it never felt right - so we went forward with an addition to our home. We spent a lot of time, energy, and no small amount of money on our custom addition and I love it. So back to the story. I felt like we needed to move. I shrugged the thought off - but as I was talking to my husband on the way home, he had the same feeling. I called a realtor to see about putting our home on the market and then started looking at homes in the surrounding communities. The feeling - turned to action still felt right. As we were looking at places to live and toying with the idea of the move, my father mentioned there was a job opening in Heber city.
I've always wanted to live in a smaller town and I mostly flippantly told Stuart later that night - hey if we're going to move maybe we can move to a whole new area. Outlandish for a pediatrician - as that would mean starting all over, getting to know patients and establishing a new business. As we went throughout the week, the thought wouldn't leave my mind - maybe move somewhere else. As I was driving to work, the sun just peeking over the mountain and illuminating the valley below, my thoughts seemed to no longer be my own. I had a strong impression that we needed to move back east. The feeling/thoughts were so strong that I called my husband the minute I got to my office. I told him about the thoughts/feelings. As I spoke, the impressions were confirmed in my mind - I knew it was time for us to move, and not to move somewhere close. I told my husband - "I think we're supposed to move, and I think we're supposed to move to vermont." As the words left my mouth the spirit in my office was tangible, my heart was at such peace and I knew we were being led. I asked my husband to pray about it that day and we would talk about it that night.
As we talked in the evening he related his experience throughout the day and confirmed the same impressions I had. As I started looking for jobs in the new england area, the peace started to drift and the terror set in. How could I pick up my family and move to an area I'd never really been. I love my job, my partners, my patients, why would I leave such a good thing. Each time I had a "freak out" morning I would get back on my knees and ask my heavenly father what was the most important thing for me to do that day and I would do it. Again the feeling of peace slowly faded and I started to doubt that I had ever received such a crazy thought - thus the numbing to do list set in within the last couple of weeks.
As I was lying in bed this morning; after I found my laugh last night, I realized I needed to write my experience down; one, to share with others; but mostly to remind myself of the peace and the love I felt that first day I knew we were supposed to begin a new adventure. I know as I re read this words, I can return to the peace and love of that moment. These words will act as a light in the dark as we move forward not fully comprehending the reasons we are being led to another area, but trusting in the hand of God to move us forward and bring us greater understanding along this journey.
So for this moment at least, I am at peace with myself and the world around me, we will move forward one step at a time. I will continue to laugh and put away my to do list mentality and fully immerse myself in each moment of the day.
Surely this feeling will pass, but I know that now it is written down, I can return to these feelings again for reassurance as we move into the future - unclear as it may be
Thanks again for listening and allowing me to put my thoughts out into the world, wherever they may go through cyberspace
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